Date when you’re ready, not when you’re single!
“If you carry old bricks from your past relationship into your new one, you will build the same house that fell apart before.” – Unknown
It wasn’t that long ago when I found myself sitting with a friend talking about my dating life. He asked me what my plans were after my last relationship fell by the wayside. I replied “nothing, that’s what plans are, nothing.” He gave me that ‘what are you playing at,’ look before calmly asking “what’s this really about? you’ve met so many decent guys, yet you don’t seem to want to get involved with any of them” so I told him “I’m not ready, I’m not in a place in my life where I am receptive to being with someone, so I don’t think it’s fair to get involved with anyone, when I can’t give them the all of me”.
You see I’m not someone who’s unfamiliar with the dating pool, I’ve been for a swim in these murky waters many, many times. But as time goes on there’s one thing I’ve noticed; more often than not, there are so many people swimming without the right gear. I mean if you were going cold water swimming, you wouldn’t go in your bikini and no cap, would you? In the same vein just because you’re single it doesn’t mean you’re ready to date. In fact, jumping into the dating pool the moment you’re “free” might be more of a plunge into the deep end than a graceful swim.
DISPELLING THE MYTH OF SINGLE = AVAILABLE
Now I’m no mathematician but even I know there’s a fundamental flaw in this equation, The myth that singlehood equals availability is like assuming you’re hungry just because the fridge is empty. Dating when you’re not ready is like shopping when you’re hungry, you end up with things you don’t need, things that don’t suit you, and things that leave you feeling unfulfilled. Sure, that initial excitement of being courted or doing the courting might feel thrilling, but underneath it all, if you’re not truly ready, it’s like chasing a mirage. You’ll exhaust yourself before you even realise what you’ve been running towards isn’t what you wanted at all.
WHY YOU SHOULD WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE READY
We live in a culture that glorifies pairing up, like it’s some sort of validation of our worth. You’re single? Oh, you must be lonely and looking for someone. There’s a well-meaning yet persistent voice, from society, family, friends, and even within ourselves, urging us to ‘get back out there’ as soon as we’ve had a breakup, or even worse, when we’ve had a few months (or years) on our own. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. When you’re still raw, even if you convince yourself you’re ‘fine’ you’re likely to choose partners out of fear, loneliness, or a need for validation rather than out of genuine connection. And when that happens, you’re setting yourself up for another round of heartache. So instead of passing time with someone who happens to be free on a Friday night, wait until you want to come home after a date thinking ‘I’m glad I did that’ vs ‘well that was another wasted Friday night’.
THE EMOTIONAL HANGOVER – HEALING TAKES TIME
No matter how amicable a breakup is, there’s always emotional debris left in its wake. And sometimes, that baggage is heavier than we think, it’s all too tempting to jump back into the dating scene as a way of filling the void. I mean, what better way to prove you’re over your ex than by showing the world (and yourself) that you’ve already moved on? But if we’re honest with ourselves it’s nothing more than a way to distract ourselves away from the heartache. But the thing is, unresolved pain doesn’t disappear because you’ve moved on to someone new. It just gets buried, waiting to resurface at the worst possible time. You know those moments when you find yourself irrationally irritated by a new partner’s small habits? Or when feelings of insecurity creep up out of nowhere? That’s your emotional baggage tapping on your shoulder, reminding you it’s still there.Healing from a past relationship takes time, you need a chance to process, reflect, and grow before letting someone else into your life.
FINDING YOURSELF AGAIN (AND ENJOYING IT)
Sometimes being single feels like you’re constantly stuck in the waiting room, hoping that at any moment the knock at the door will be your next relationship. But contrary to popular belief, love doesn’t come with a deadline. You don’t have to be in a relationship by 30, engaged by 32, or married by 35. The timeline we impose on ourselves is a societal construct, not a truth. So instead of feeling like you’re stuck in love’s waiting room, why not take it as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, your passions, and your independence. Because if we’re honest with ourselves, when we’re constantly in relationships, the true you can fade into the background. We compromise, we blend, we adapt. And while that’s part of the beauty of relationships, it can sometimes leave us disconnected from who we truly are. Being single can be truly fulfilling, it doesn’t have to be a transitional period between relationships. And when you reach the point where you truly enjoy being on your own, that’s when you know you’re ready to share your life with someone else. Not because you need them, but because you choose them. They’ll enhance your life, not define it.
WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE, NOT WHAT WE WANT
Here’s a bit of advice I wish I’d heard sooner: You attract what you are, not what you want. Think about it. Have you ever noticed that when you’re feeling a bit lost, or emotionally out of sorts, the people who show up in your life tend to mirror that energy? It’s almost like a cosmic joke, the more confused you are, the more confused the people you attract. When you take the time to heal and work on yourself, something magical happens, you start attracting people who are on the same wavelength. People who have done their own work, who are emotionally available, and who are ready for a healthy, balanced relationship. But that can only happen when you’ve done the work yourself. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being at peace with yourself, flaws and all. When you’ve done the work, the energy you exude is magnetic. You become someone who knows their worth, and that kind of confidence is irresistible.
BOUNDARIES ARE THINGS OF BEAUTY
Boundaries are often the first thing that goes out the window when we’re desperate to connect. When single you gets that familiar pang of loneliness, it’s easy to lower our standards, make excuses for bad behaviour, and let people into our lives who don’t deserve a front-row seat. But when you take the time to wait until you’re ready, truly ready, you also develop a deeper understanding of what your boundaries are and why they matter. It’s not about being closed off or unapproachable; it’s about protecting your peace. Dating when you’re ready means you’re not afraid to walk away from situations that don’t serve you, because you know that being single and happy is far better than being in a relationship that drains you. You won’t be swayed by a charming smile or smooth talk when you know exactly what you’re looking for and, more importantly, what you deserve.
YOU’RE BUILDING A FUTURE, NOT FILLING A VOID
One of the most empowering shifts anyone can experience when you date from a place of readiness is the realisation that you’re not chasing love, you’re choosing it. So often, we’re conditioned to believe that love is something we have to search for, something we need to find in order to feel complete. But love isn’t a treasure hunt, and you’re not incomplete without a partner. Dating when you’re ready is about building something meaningful, not just filling a void. It’s about finding someone who complements your life, not someone who completes it. That’s the difference between dating when you’re ready and dating just because you’re single. When you’re truly ready, you’re not looking for someone to save you from your loneliness or to validate your worth. You’re looking for a partner, someone to share your life with, to grow with, to build a future with. And that’s not something you can rush.
A lot to think about I know, so I’ll leave you with this. If you had asked me in my twenties what my life would look like in its fifties I would have told you, I’d be happily married, with two gorgeous grown children that are ready to flee the nest, leaving behind parents who are still madly in love with one another and at times embarrass the hell out of them. But the reality is very different, I’m very single. Like many others I’ve been guilty of dating because I’m single instead of when I was ready. But never after I hit forty, by then I’d come to the realisation that if you haven’t done the emotional work, no number of new dates, fresh conversations, or charming distractions would heal my wounds. At that stage in life, I accepted that if love was ever going to find me it would wait until I was ready, until then I would just continue to enjoy the life, I had built for myself.
Love will always wait for you. Now, please put down your phone, close the dating app, pour yourself another glass of wine and take a long, deep breath. 💋
