Being a mother is about more than giving birth.
“A real mum:
Emotional yet the rock.
Rachel Martin
Tired but keeps going.
Worried, but full of hope.
Impatient, yet patient.
Overwhelmed but never gives up.
Amazing, even though doubted.
Wonderful, even in the chaos.
Life changer, every single day.”
I loved you, even before I met you and the moment I laid eyes on you I knew I would love and protect you til my dying days. I know I didn’t give birth to you, so biologically you are not mine, but none of that matters, because I promise you no matter where I am, what I’m doing, whenever you need me, I will be there for you. That’s my unspoken promise to you.
Who says that you must give birth to a child to be their mother? What about those women that step up every day and do what any good mum should? And let’s not forget the single fathers that are not only fathers but also take on the role as mother. No, it takes more than giving birth to be a mother.
A mother is a person that puts another person’s needs above their own. Someone that picks you up when you’re down, teaches and encourages you to be better. When you hurt, they hurt just that little bit more. A mother has a soft heart and a strong will, they’ll love you even when you are behaving like a brat and when you feel unlovable. Why? Because a mother’s love is truly unconditional.
No one said being a parent was easy. No one expects you to be perfect, yet we expect it of ourselves. All any child can expect is their parents’ intention to be right, the rest they can make up as they go along, there’s no manual (actually that’s a lie there are plenty, but we should write our own). Are there some basics? Of course, there are. I’d like to think as a non biological mother (haha I sound like a laundry detergent) I do follow these:
Walk the Walk.
We are a product of our upbringing, a reflection of the role models that raised us to be who we are today. It’s easy for any one of us to assume a label, mum, sister, daughter, aunt, but it’s not so easy to demonstrate the intention behind that label each and every day after all sometimes life gets in the way. But if we want our daughters to grow up shattering glass ceilings, we must show her that we too can shatter them. If we want our sons to grow into the type of man that we’d want our daughters to marry, then we must be the husband/father he can emulate.
We often forget that imitation is how we learn and if we don’t lead by example how can we expect our children to learn? So, when you want your child to clean their room, clean yours first. Want them to learn how to communicate effectively? Show them through how you communicate with them and those around you. Want them to value you and others, show them you value yourself.
I recently witnessed one of the most beautiful things I’d seen in a while – two young, strong women who had been raised by their single mother. Young women that had been taught strength, willpower, and respect. Having the freedom to choose their paths, yet still respecting their mother, the woman that had raised them to be strong independent women. A woman who they openly admit is their role model.
Put them First.
If someone asked you whether you put your child first, you would unequivocally say yes. But if you are honest with yourself, are you actually doing this? Or have you forgotten that although your needs are important, theirs are more so. You’ve got the benefit of years of experience but your child, they’re still learning. Don’t let your experiences or past hurt take away from what’s right for them. For example if you’re a divorced or separated parent, don’t let your feelings towards your ex cloud your child’s view of them. Yes I know your ex is a jackass, but this is not about you it’s about them, let your child make their own mind up.
Practice Positivity.
Happy children make happy adults. Teach them right from wrong, learn from what you didn’t have as a child and give this to yours. Growing up my biological parents never said the words ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you, but I knew they did. When my nieces and nephews were born, I told them every day and continue to do so. I want them to grow up knowing their value not just in my life but in society as a whole. I want them to understand that giving and receiving love can be easy if you value yourself and you shouldn’t constantly seek acceptance from others.
Don’t place unrealistic expectations on them.
Yes, we all want to have the smartest child in the world, but why does that have to be academically? They could grow up street smart or they could come top of their art class. Yes, you may have had a vision that your child was going to be the next Einstein but what if they want to be the next Picasso, Gordon Ramsey, or Bruno Tonioli? We must learn to celebrate every achievement, not just the ones we think society, or our own parents would approve of. Did my 13-year nephew just hold the door open for me? Yes, he did, and yes, I am insanely proud of the chivalrous young man he’s growing up to be.
Strike the right balance between being a parent and friend.
Growing up I could never say my mum was my friend. She was my mother and she disciplined me that way. I would never have dreamt of saying no or answering back if I was told to do something. Fast forward three decades (well almost five for me) and times have changed. We’re now so desperate to be seen as a new age parent, we want to show our kids we’re cool and be their friend, that we often forget we are still the parents and as such it is our job to parent them.
I envy those adults that have great friendships with their mothers, but it can’t be at the determent of teaching them right from wrong. I would like to think I’m one of my nieces’ best friends but when she does something wrong, I’ll be the first person to tell her, she may not like it but she’ll thank me for it in later life. Because she too must learn boundaries.
Having said all this, no one can or should tell you how to parent your child, but it’s good to recognise the other influences that are parenting them alongside you. When you’re tired, they step in. When you can’t find the words to explain something, they’ll find them. So, here’s to all the mothers out there, that parent every day. Yes, I know you didn’t carry them for nine months, nor did you go through fourteen excruciating hours of labour, but you still turn up every single day as a mother figure, and yes single dad’s I mean you too.
To my amazing niece and nephews, know that I will continue to turn up every single day, morning, noon and night. My love for you comes before anything else.
Suki, i just read 4 of these articles back to back. I love the way you write, you can really resonate. At our age most of my male friends are single dads and you’re right they make pretty awesome mums, they’re secretly glad they didn’t have to go through the labour though 🙂