Big Spoon and Little Spoon get lost in translation.
“Misunderstandings are such a powerful emotion; they can break even the most beautiful relationship in just a second.”
Unknown
We’ve heard it a million times, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Put bluntly we don’t talk the same language and we’re not turned on by the same things. Men are such visual beings while women are much more emotional. Makes total sense when you consider what turns us on and how we react to things. Take for example how men need to be loved physically in order to love emotionally. Whilst women need to be loved emotionally before they can love physically.
Fundamentally we communicate differently so most of the time everything is lost in translation. Despite being an accomplished communicator, who is both honest and direct, there are still times I get confused. And just when I think I’ve cracked this whole ‘talk the same language’ malarkey, someone comes along who confuses the hell out of me.
Now if you know me, there’s one thing you will know for sure, I don’t mince my words and I shoot from the hip. I can be incredibly diplomatic (when I need to be) but I like to lay my cards on the table so there is no confusion for the other person. Depending on your outlook I am either alarmingly or charmingly honest. This way the recipient can decide whether my truth is acceptable to them or whether they’d prefer to just walk away.
So, imagine my surprise at the carnage I recently caused because of something I said. In last weeks article I talked about my most recent relationship… a situationship. I won’t bore you with the finer details, instead I’ll give you the headlines. I met a guy; our first date was great; he had an emotional maturity I hadn’t seen in a long time; was a great communicator; called a spade a spade; was as funny as f**k (now that’s a rarity) and did I mention he had all his own hair and teeth? Bonus 😂.
It seemed we were getting on incredibly well, so I thought it only fair I tell him that there’s an opportunity abroad I am currently pursuing and it’s highly likely I will end up relocating to said country in Europe, initially spending 50% of my time there and 50% in the UK, although nothing is set in stone yet… silence, uh oh.
To my surprise he responds with ‘hmmmm, I work from home, so I can work from anywhere’. My my, is that excitement I feel? I am so impressed by his openness and adaptability – two qualities I absolutely adore in someone. We continue investing our time in getting to know one another. On our second date he asks me the timescales, I reply ‘not likely before the years out’ to which, once again, he replies incredibly positively ‘great, I thought you were going to say that you are leaving next week, plenty of time to get to know one another’.
Now either this guy is an incredibly good actor and has honed his ‘say the right thing at the right time‘ skills to perfection or he genuinely is a rare breed – both my mind and heart want to believe it’s the latter. Fast forward three months, we’re enjoying one another; there’s never a dull moment and a real ease between us. Until a conversation ensues about us being in a ‘situationship’. A situ-what-a-ship I hear you say? If like me you had no idea what the hell that meant, let me enlighten you. A situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established. To me that’s called getting to know someone, but what do I know 🤷🏽♀️.
Unbeknown to me by telling him about my overseas plans I had put a ‘best before date’ stamp on our situationship. Even though those words had never come out of my mouth, the words that had come out had somehow suggested that I only wanted the situation to carry on for a finite time before I packed my bags and left. Therefore, I was firmly trapped in a box marked “Use by December 2022” at which point I would hit the recycling bin. Despite how many of each other’s boxed we ticked, he just couldn’t get his head and me out of that box.
I could sit here, thinking woe is me, asking myself what could I have done differently, but that’s not really me. And in truth I wouldn’t have done anything differently. Because no matter how I handled the situation I would have lost. Had I not been honest from the outset and waited to see if we got on, I would have been accused of hiding a truth, that I had known all along. Instead mentioning it from the outset, like I did caused a different accusation, one that no matter how many times I tried to explain wasn’t good enough. So instead, I’ll choose to work out what the experience taught me and how I can help myself and hopefully you avoid it, should you ever find yourself in that place.
TAKE SOME ACCOUNTABILITY.
Understand the part you played in the ‘situation and learn from it. Equally know that it takes two people to breed a misunderstanding and it’s never entirely one person’s doing. Your words may have inadvertently caused a ripple, but the other person threw in another stone that continued the ripple effect.
DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING AT FACE VALUE.
Conversations are two-way streets, and just because you think someone’s response is positive, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore the conversation further to gain clarity. I don’t for one second regret the time I spent with him, but I wish I had understood what he actually thought/meant when he uttered the words ‘I can work from anywhere’.
BE CLEAR FROM THE OUTSET.
Set out your stall from the beginning and lay out your requirements. Allow the other person to tell you whether they want the same thing as you and see whether you can also give them what they want. Don’t leave anything to speculation or wait until you are emotionally invested, this way you both know where you stand.
PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY’RE NOT SAYING.
People can be open and great communicators but their actions, or lack of, can tell you more than the words that come out of their mouths. If you sense something isn’t right, bring it up before it really does become a problem. The longer you let something fester the harder it is to rectify it. And before you know it the misunderstanding has become your/their truth. If someone can’t adapt this early on, what chance do you have if the going gets tough?
DON’T SIT IN THE WAITING ROOM.
Never rush into a relationship, but equally never be the person who settles for a situationship just because you think nothing better is available. Someone who only wants to give you half of them; half their time and half their energy shouldn’t even be worth even half your investment. You’ll never be happy in a relationship like that. The romantic in me still believes that one day someone will come along and give me their all, until then i’ll enjoy this journey.
As for me and my situationship, what’s our current situation? We’re two people who enjoy one another’s company; like talking to one another; respect our openness and ability to communicate, but we’ve shifted to another box marked ‘friends… maybe’. Why maybe? Because here’s the thing about friendship, can you really be friends with someone who you are still emotionally, intellectually and physically attracted to or are you both kidding yourselves by giving it a label that can never stick?
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