What’s the rush?
It’ll be worth the wait.
“I promise:
Unknown
To be your lover when you need to be loved.
Your doctor when you are ill.
Your army when you go to war.
Your umbrella when life rains down on you.
Your rock when you get weary.
Your shield when you need defence.
Your spirit when you are drained.
Your pillow when you need to rest.
Your voice when no one can hear you.
Your ear when no one will listen.
Your comfort when you feel pain.
Your hero when you are under duress.
Your sunshine when darkness falls.
Your answer when questions arise.
Your inspiration to overcome obstacles.
Your hand to hold when you are frightened.
Your kiss that wakes you every day, and
Your “I love you” each and every night.”
One by one your single friends are getting married or settling down with their significant others. The married ones are either having babies or raising their children, meanwhile your biological clock is ticking. Yet here you are going from one bad relationship to another, questioning why you can never find the one. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It’s the story of millions of women out there. Maybe it’s time we changed our narrative, so our mindset can follow.
I often get asked ‘why are you still single?’ A question that makes me laugh and angers me in equal proportions. Because let’s face it, no one sets out to live their whole lives single, without the love, support & warmth of someone to walk beside them, in this funny old thing we call life. But the truth is I am single through choice and not because I have no choice. Like most women I have plenty of choice, but it’s what we choose to do with those choices that changes the course of our lives.
This weekend I was lucky enough to spend some much-needed time with my grandfather and grandmother, ‘the two jaans’. For those of you who don’t speak any Indian languages, Jaan translates to love and life. Now I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that they’ve been together their whole lives and have a beautiful love story, whereas the latter is true, the first part certainly isn’t. You see they’ve both been married before but decided later in life when their first marriages didn’t last that they wouldn’t give up and set about to find love. I’d never heard the full story about how they came to meet but when I did, it left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. But more than that, it restored some of my faith in love, and reinforced that it doesn’t matter how old you are, love can still find its way to you.
During my life I’ve been lucky enough to have seen the beauty in love many many times over. More recently through friends, I consider family, but first and foremost through my great grandparents. Their love story will always be my favourite, heartbreakingly beautiful and the thing poems that inspired poetry. They married young, not even knowing one another yet lived and loved one another with abundance throughout their whole lives.
Meet my great grandfather (my baba) a brilliant raconteur – a storyteller of such magnitude that you’d be hard pushed to find another as well versed in the art of commanding his audience. A strong man, with great stature, that no one dared to trifle with. His word was his bond and he always had the final word.
My great grandmother on the other hand, was a small, unassumingly beautiful woman. Her eyes crinkled with joy whenever she laughed, sometimes so small that you could hardly see them (thanks badimama, now I know where I get that from). But what a smile she had; it would radiate for miles.
Together they were unstoppable. You could be fooled into thinking my great grandfather wore the trousers in that relationship. To the outside world that was certainly what they thought, but it was my great grandmother who was the driving force. In public she never defied him but in private she was the one that made the decisions that he executed. In return he filled her life with more love and laughter than she could have ever hoped for.
When she passed away, it was like a part of him too had died. I will never forget the funeral, before they closed the lid of the casket my great grandfather made her his very last promise ‘within six months I will be with you’. True to his word six months to the day he gave up living and joined her, reunited with the soul that had left when she did. I often imagine them sitting together on a bench, like they used to in our garden. Him telling her some naughty joke, while her head was thrown back in raucous laughter. It’s the picture I always hold dear in my heart when I think of them.
When you grow up with love like that, it’s the kind of pure love you will always hold out for. A relationship where you’re totally comfortable around each other, and there’s no pressure to act a certain way. There are no awkward moments or silences. You can be both crazy and lazy around one another. You can make fun of each other and just laugh it off like you’re best friends, because that’s what you are. A relationship where you call each other nicknames and there’s lots and lots of laughing involved, but you can also be serious together. You are totally yourself, because you know that’s what the other person loves the most.
So the next time you ask me the retched question, why am I still single? Let me help you. No, I am not too fussy. No, I don’t want too much. No, my expectations are not too high, in fact I think my requirements are perfectly reasonable. No, I do not need to dumb myself down or dim my light. It will be that very light that will attract the person who will be my someone. There are many reasons things don’t work out with another, but honestly where’s the fire? I know you don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life, but there’s nothing lonelier than being with someone and still feeling lonely. The next time you feel a panic or mad rush to meet someone, tell yourself these five things:
FINDING A MAN IS NOT THE BE ALL AND END ALL OF LIFE.
Live your life, the way you want to. Stop missing out because you are so desperate to find love. Have you ever considered all the things you haven’t experienced in your desperation to find love? So what if you’re still single? Have fun with your friends, travel, build a career and work on yourself. You’re not a man finding machine. You’re a strong, independent woman. Behave like one.
EAU DE DESPERATION IS AN UGLY SCENT.
Show me a man who thinks desperation is sexy and I’ll show you a manipulating liar. A man who will tell you what you need to hear, in order to get what he wants. I totally get that you want love in your life, but the more desperate you look and act, the more he’s going to run. You might as well wear a t-shirt saying ‘marry me and let’s have kids’ on the first date because that’s the vibes you’ll be giving off.
ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY AND NEITHER IS LOVE.
The words love at first sight, as beautiful as they may sound, scare the living daylights out of me. If someone professed their undying love for me immediately, I would run for the hills (in fact I have been known to do this). Lust on the other hand is easy, we really should learn to differentiate the two. Love takes time, it’s somewhat inexplicable but you need to spend time with someone to truly know how you feel. Where’s the fire?
IF YOU HAVE TO FORCE IT, IT ISN’T RIGHT.
In our need and want to be with someone, we often overlook the red flags right in front of us. We don’t want to be the only single friend, so we try to convince ourselves that our current love interest is the one, and maybe he is. But only time will tell, if you are sitting there thinking he’s great but it doesn’t feel natural, chances are he’s not the one. We waste so much energy on those that aren’t right, imagine if we just closed the door and moved on to another that could actually be right. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather use my energy this way.
BE PATIENT. LOVE DOESN’T HAVE A TIMETABLE.
Some couples are really lucky, like my great grandparents. They meet when they’re young and love one another whole heartedly for the rest of their lives, growing together seamlessly. Others, like my grandparents, don’t find one another until much later in life. Having lived a fulfilling life, knowing who they are. They seek love and companionship much later. Everyone falls in love at different times, carry on living your life and be patient. If it’s meant to be it will come.
In life we will embark on many journeys, often taking a wrong turn here & there, I mean even the sat nav gets it wrong sometimes, we’re only human. But I’m a firm believer in whatever is fated for you will eventually make its way to you, when the timing is right. I don’t believe in right person, wrong time. If you meet someone who you think is ‘your person’ but he’s not ready, then he’s not your person. The right person will come along, at the right time, for the right reason. The higher powers that be aren’t that cruel.
Every time it doesn’t work out with someone, instead of sitting there crying & asking yourself why me? What have I done that’s so bad that I deserve this? Tell yourself all the failures that have come before are only preparing you for the beauty that is coming. The universe is just making sure you’re in a the right place, at the right time to be able to appreciate it for all its beauty.
