The silence can’t be heard but it feels deafeningly loud.
“Sometimes, the space we create by taking a break is filled not with clarity, but with the deafening silence of unresolved feelings.” Unknown
Although it feels like an eternity, it’s really not been that long since we last spoke, since we agreed that we’d take some time out to contemplate whether a relationship, that started off with so much promise, had a future. Where we uttered those four small, yet poignant words “Let’s take a break”. Taking a break, is like pressing pause on a movie, hoping that a brief interval will grant the characters clarity, perspective, and perhaps a renewed passion. But what happens when that pause extends beyond a momentary respite into a month of deafening silence? As I’m sat here, surrounded by the kind of quiet that fills every corner with an uncomfortable echo, I wonder if silence, in all its undulating forms, is the loudest sound I’ve ever heard?
I’m no stranger to the word ‘break’, in my dating life I’ve taken several breaks to recalibrate my thoughts and rebuild. In the whirlwind of dating, falling for someone and then, inevitably, watching the cracks begin to form, “taking a break” has become as quintessentially British as a cup of tea or a Sunday roast. But there’s a distinct difference between the warm, familiar silence of contentment and the cold, calculating silence that follows the decision to hit pause on a relationship. The former feels a cozy, comfortable kind of quiet, the latter an echoing abyss that can drown out even the loudest of thoughts.
In the world of love and heartbreak, the term ‘break’ seems deceptively benign, like a casual intermission in the performance of life. Yet, as many have discovered, the silence that follows can be as overwhelming as it is profound. It’s a silence that seeps into every corner of your existence, filling spaces once occupied by laughter, arguments, and the everyday banter of a shared life. This silence, can be loud, persistent, and introspective, a mirror reflecting the truths we’d rather avoid.
THE CALM BEFORE THE SILENCE
The decision to take a break is never born out of a single, dramatic event but rather from a gradual erosion of enthusiasm and connection. When we agreed to take a month-long break, it felt like a rational, even mature, decision to the mounting monotony and discontent we’d been experiencing. We were in a rut, the kind where we’d stopped noticing or appreciating one another and the conversation felt stilted. If we’re honest we’d been circling the same issues for a while, but instead of talking about it, we silenced the voices that were screaming inside our heads – odd for a couple who communicated so openly about everything. A month apart, we reasoned would give us both the space to reflect and perhaps rediscover what made our relationship special and whether it was truly worth fighting for.
The conversation wasn’t easy, and it was one filled with a mass of emotions. We’d just finished eating and were on our second bottle of red wine. At first, we went round the houses, indirectly skirting over the issue of the disconnect we both knew had seeped into our relationship, but as we tentatively approached the topic, with the caution of two people who knew they were handling something fragile; yet trying to agree what would be best. Yes, there were tears, but there was no dramatic fight or raised voices, just a mutual understanding that we were both stuck in a cycle that neither of us knew how to break. A sleepless night and 24 hours later we set the rules: no contact for a month, permission to date others, if the desire was there, and a promise to meet up after 30 days to discuss where we stood. It was all very civilised, very adult, very… British. But as I got into my car to come home, a strange feeling began to creep in, a sense of unease, as though I’d just signed up for a journey without knowing the destination, and we all know I hate the unknown. Little did I know that the true challenge of our break would not be the physical distance between us, but the silence that would settle in its place.
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
At first (well for the first hour) the silence was a welcome relief, offering a quiet sense of freedom to be able to process my own thoughts without the constant ping of a text message or the obligation to answer to anyone but myself. For the first few days, I convinced myself that this break was the best thing that could have happened to us. But as the days wore on, the silence began to shift. It was no longer a comforting background hum but a persistent, nagging presence. I’d find myself reaching for my phone out of habit, only to remember that there was no message waiting for me, nor could I tell you about the weird and wonderful of my day. The absence of the familiar voice, felt like a gaping hole in my life. Even the sound of my own footsteps echoing in my empty house seemed louder, more pronounced.
The silence became a constant companion, following me everywhere I went. It was there in the late evenings, when I tried to sleep, with no avail or, when I woke up alone in a bed that felt far too big. It was there during the quiet moments of the day, the pauses between activities, the lulls in conversation. And with each passing day, the silence grew louder, more oppressive, until it was all I could hear. I began to wonder if this silence was trying to tell me something. Was it a sign that our relationship had run its course, that the connection between us had faded into nothingness? Or was it simply the space I needed to finally hear my own thoughts, to understand what I truly wanted from the relationship?
THE ECHOES OF DOUBT
As the silence settled in, it brought with it a chorus of doubts. Without the constant reassurance of your presence, the cracks in our relationship began to widen, revealing all the insecurities I’d managed to keep at bay. I questioned everything, our compatibility, our future, even my own feelings. Did I really want to be with you, or did I just love the idea of us? Had we become too comfortable, too complacent, mistaking familiarity for intent? The silence, it seemed, had a way of amplifying these doubts, turning them into echoes that reverberated through my mind. Every unresolved issue, every unspoken fear, came rushing to the surface, demanding to be heard. And without the distraction of your presence, I had no choice but to listen.
I found myself replaying our last conversation, over and over again, searching for hidden meanings, clues that might reveal what you were really thinking. Did you want such a long break because you really wanted out, or were you genuinely hoping that some time apart would help us find our way back to each other? I analysed every word, every gesture, until I drove myself mad with speculation. And yet, despite all the uncertainty, I couldn’t bring myself to break the silence. There was a part of me that feared what I might find on the other side, a truth that I wasn’t ready to face. So I waited, hoping that time would provide the answers I so desperately sought.
THE SILENCE OF OTHERS
In the midst of my own silent struggle, I couldn’t help but notice how others reacted to our break. My friends, all had their opinions, advice and warnings. Some told me it was too early in our relationship for us to need time apart, others thought you were crazy and hoped you were hurting just as much as me (naturally I echoed that thought 😜). Then there were those that thought I was stubborn and uncompromising for not reaching out sooner and telling you that I missed you or to talk sooner, suggesting maybe that was the reason I was eternally single, And finally there were those that subtly voiced their concerns, questioning why you needed so much time & whether we needed the break at all? Were we just prolonging the inevitable. After all if we could live without one another for four whole weeks, did we really see a future ahead of us?
There was a silence, too, in the way people spoke to me about the situation – a hesitation, as though they were afraid of saying the wrong thing, of planting a seed of doubt that might take root and grow. I realised then that the silence wasn’t just mine; it was shared, a collective holding of breath as everyone waited to see what would happen next. Even your silence became a topic of conversation. “Has he called?” friends would ask, their voices tinged with curiosity and concern “Do you think there’s someone else?” The questions hung in the air, unanswered, each one a reminder of the uncertainty that had settled over my life. I began to resent the silence, to see it as a barrier that kept me from the truth. But I also knew that breaking it too soon could shatter everything. The silence had become a test of sorts, a measure of our strength as a couple, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to face the results.
THE QUIET REVELATIONS
Then somewhere along the line the silence changed, where it no longer felt this oppressive, all-consuming force that it did in the beginning. Along with it, it bought some clarity, hopefully not just for me, but for you too. My feelings went through an emotional rollercoaster, and at times they made me sick to the stomach. There were days I felt angry towards you, where I wanted to shake you and ask you ‘what were you thinking? are you blind that you can’t see how lucky we are to have found each other?’ then there were others when it took every ounce of my willpower not to shut down and go into fight or flight mode like I usually do. And then came this strange sense of calm, a space where I could detach from my own emotions, to dig deep and examine my feelings, what went wrong? What part had I played in our story? And if I still wanted to be one half of this couple? And if I did what did I need from you and what did you need from me. And as I grew more comfortable in the silence, I started to understand that it isn’t something to be feared, but something to be embraced. It’s a reminder that relationships are not defined by constant communication, but by the strength of the connection that remains even when words are left unspoken.
THE FINAL FURLONG
I have no idea how I’ll feel when we come to the end of our break. No doubt there will be a mixed bag of emotions – anxiety, anticipation, and a newfound sense of clarity. But what I do know is the silence that once felt so suffocating will have been replaced with a new sense of calm, where I will have reached a place of peace and acceptance, within myself. But we’re not there yet. In the here and now I’m sat wondering what you’re thinking? How are you feeling? Why you haven’t once reached out? Are you going through the same emotional rollercoaster as me? Did you have the same revelations? Has the silence pushed you further away, creating a distance that we can never bridge? Or did absence really make the heart grown fonder?
I guess there’s not long to go before we fund out. I know that the answers we sought will emerge not just from our conversation, but from the silence that will have given us the clarity to see what truly matters. After all, silence after a break is like a blank page; it can be either be filled with new beginnings or the ghosts of what was left behind. What will be will be. 💋
