Who am I? Does anyone truly know?
“When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear’ what she actually means is, there is nothing here for who I am supposed to be today.”
Caitlin Moran
As I’m sitting here with my writer’s hat on (one of many that I wear throughout the day), I’m plagued by thoughts of the numerous roles the modern-day woman plays. All the while trying to be the best version of herself. As for me… Daughter, sister, aunt, friend, marketer, coach, advisor, writer, cook, provider and finally me.
I know I am not alone when I say this but at times wearing so many hats can be exhausting. Sometimes I think to myself, wouldn’t it be great if just for one day the only hat I had to wear was mine. Where I could close the door and shut everything out, especially the voices in my head and everyone else around me, including those I love and care about. Does that make me selfish? The old guilt-ridden version of me would say yes. This more self-aware version thinks not.
About a decade ago I realised that I was placing too much emphasis on my career and building my empire. Until one day I woke up feeling cold, with the stark realisation that my career wasn’t going to keep me warm at night. So, I set off on another journey, one where I strove to strike a better work life balance. Much to my surprise I managed to achieve it.
But once the balance got better, there was a new pressure, one where the number of hats I was wearing just kept increasing. Until I realised not only was I now wearing more hats, but I’d taken to wearing masks too. I’d learnt to plaster a smile on my face even when I was feeling empty inside. Life just went on autopilot, and I started putting everyone else first, doing what was expected of me.
Not once did I stop to put myself first nor ask myself what I wanted, what was important to me? Until now, because in truth I’m tired. As much as I love hats and I really do, I’m exhausted. Putting everyone else first is debilitating and at times soul destroying. With every selfless act it takes a little piece of me. When you always put yourself last, everyone around you just expects you to put them first. People automatically think they have a right to your time and your energy. They don’t.
So now it’s time to have a clear out and rid myself of some of those hats and masks. It’s time to reclaim my life back and unconditionally love the person looking back at me in the mirror. If I’m honest with myself, maybe I’ve never truly known how to love her and if I can’t, how can I expect anyone else to?
In the spirit of taking my life back, here’s my mantra:
- LOVE YOURSELF AMIDST THE CHAOS
Have you ever had one of those days where you’re rushing around like a blue arse fly, barely having a moment to breathe? It’s on those days that you need to tell yourself ‘It’s ok to drop a plate or two. It’s ok not to tick everything off your to-do list’. Take a step back and give yourself permission to indulge in some much needed me time. It’s not about grand gestures, do whatever it takes to relax and recharge, sometimes all it takes is a few kind words to the person in the mirror and not casting judgement… on yourself. - STOP BEING AN IMPOSTER
If you have felt like an impostor in your life at one point or another, you’re not alone. When I first started out in the industry, I was lucky to climb the career ladder really fast, but there wasn’t a day I didn’t wake up thinking ‘when are they going to realise, I’m an imposter and have no idea what I’m doing?’ The feeling of being a fraud was a frequent visitor in my life and even now it rears its ugly head every now and then. When it does, I have to remind myself that it’s just that, a feeling. It doesn’t define my worth. The real you lies in your authenticity, not in the roles you play. If you’re true to yourself, nothing else matters. - SET SOME CLEAR BOUNDARIES
We’re not great at establishing clear boundaries, which means in turn people take advantage of us. Maybe it’s time you set some boundaries for all the hats you wear. Are your siblings expecting too much from you? Do you always make yourself available to your friends, yet you’re never really their priority? Are you finding that your work colleagues are leaving you to do most of the work? It’s time to start saying no more often. For every yes, there must be some no’s, or you’ll drown. And when you’re drowning you are no use to anyone, least of all to yourself. - LEAVE A LITTLE ROOM ON YOUR PLATE
Sometimes life throws us a curveball, testing our resolve. If your plate is anything like my plate of Spaghetti Bolognese, full and messy, it won’t take long before you push yourself over the edge, adding extra pressure to your already overflowing day. Unfortunately, we’re own worst enemy, feeling like if we’re not constantly moving, ticking things off our list that we’re failing at life, we’re not. You’re allowed to dine from a smaller plate or not put so much on it. No one gets to make that decision bar you. You are in charge of your life, so start taking charge. - DISCOVER YOURSELF THROUGH THE HATS
You know I like to find the silver lining in everything, the bright side is fantastic. Life is a beautiful journey of self-discovery. We can learn a lot about ourselves through the hats we wear. Wearing different hats doesn’t make us a different person, we’re fundamentally the same person, different facets of the same beautiful diamond. Like most diamonds we have some flaws, and it’s the hats that we wear that expose those flaws. But they also show us where we shine, strengths that we may not have known we possess. It’s these flaws and strengths that help us grow and become the flawesome that we’re destined to be.
This year I make myself this promise, no matter how many hats I juggle, I’ll remind myself to carve out some time for myself and put me first. I won’t berate myself for dropping a few plates and I’ll embrace my dreams, hopes, and fears. All the while never losing sight that amidst the chaos, it’s not the hats that define me, but the person wearing them.
I think knowing yourself and the ability to say NO comes with age. I’ve always been a people pleaser and it’s taken me the best part of my life to build up the courage to say no to people.