His ex is no threat to you. You’re the real threat.
“Yes, he’s my ex. And he’s not a jerk, he’s not a liar and I don’t hate him. He’s a person who once made my life perfect.”
Anonymous
There are two types of people in this world. Those that can stay friends with their exes and those that need a clean slate and choose to walk away. I am firmly in the first camp.
There are many reasons the relationships didn’t work. Me, I like to cut my losses and walk away if I don’t feel like it’s going anywhere. That is no reflection on my ex and doesn’t make him a bad person. It just means I didn’t feel they were right for me as a life partner, but they were great people, so we were just better as friends.
Over the years this has been the cause of many disagreements in my relationships. I’m not an unreasonable woman, ask my ex, on second thoughts maybe that’s not a good idea 🙂 . I get it, staying friends with your ex isn’t for everyone and those that don’t maintain a friendship, find it a difficult concept to come to terms with. Everyone is entitled to live their lives the way they want, it’s not a one size fits all.
When I think about the whole ‘staying friends with your ex’ thing what I find the most shocking is how many of my ex-boyfriends’ partners have had an issue with me being in their life. Not because they’ve taken the time to get to know me or he talks relentlessly about me, nor that he wants to get back with me but simply because they caught a glimpse of me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t look like the back end of a bus but I’m no supermodel either, so why is this a reoccurring theme? Have we really become so insecure that we’re threatened by everyone that has ever been in our partners life?
Ladies, lets get real, he’s my ex for a reason. I have no desire whatsoever to jump his bones or to have his babies, and there’s not a single female alive that could make me feel jealous of being with a man that I’ve already been with. If I thought he was right for me, I’d never have let him walk away in the first place. I am no threat to you.
Your insecurities on the other hand are a real threat, maybe that’s where you should focus your attention. There’s a reason your relationship with you is the most important relationship you can ever have. If you are not comfortable in your own skin, or you can’t let go of your past hurts, you will never be happy & you will always question your relationships. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you’ll never break free from the vicious cycle.
Part of me does feel sorry for you, although I’ve never felt insecure about a partner’s ex, I’m certainly not oblivious to insecurities in my relationships. But I’m sorry, your insecurities in this instance are not my problem. I am merely an innocent bystander, who hopes her ex, who is now her friend, finds someone that will truly make him happy. He has a lot to offer someone and deserves to be happy. But you have judged me purely based on what I look like. So, I’d like to offer you some advice, before you ruin what could be the best thing to ever come into your life.
- Find out what went wrong. Before you see his ex, i.e. me, as a threat, find out what happened. How long were we together? Why did we break up? Who broke it off? How often do we still talk? Do we have shared friends? How long did it take him to move on? Until you get the full picture you can’t judge if I really am a threat to you or if it’s simply in your head.
- Stop making comparisons with a ghost. My shadow shouldn’t be lurking in your mind constantly. Do you constantly compare him to your ex-boyfriend? No? Then why are you trying to compare yourself to me, his ex? You don’t even know me so please stop bringing me into your relationship.
- Get to know his ex. You know what they say, ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. If you really think I’m a problem, get to know me. The next time your boyfriend tells you he is catching up with me, tell him you’d love to meet me too. I’ve already heard so much about you, I too would like to meet you. But know this, I won’t be judging you on how you look, so stop judging me on how I look. All I care about is whether you are going to make my friend, who just so happens to be my ex, happy.
- It takes two to make a thing go right. Any healthy relationship should only have two people in it, you and him. There is no place for a third person, unless you’re into that of course, in which case good luck to you, whatever floats your boat. But please stop unnecessarily bringing me, his ex, into the mix.
I’ll tell you a little story. I once had an ex-partner’s wife turn up at my front door to tell me to keep away from her husband. This was less than a month into them being married, she’d found a picture of me, hidden in his drawer. I’ll tell you what I told her ‘no offence love but I have no desire to be anywhere near a liar, good luck to you and don’t ever knock on my door again’. It wasn’t the last time I saw her. Why? because their relationship had other issues and she wanted someone else to blame.
Please note I am not a homewrecker, we split up before they got married. He told me very casually one day that his family had fixed him up with someone, and he had no choice but to marry her. What he failed to mention was he knew this for a while but didn’t think it pertinent to tell me. - Be secure in your own skin. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman or man that needs constant reassurance, it gets tiring. Take a good look at your relationship, is it really that weak that a third person could come and take away what you have? No, thought not, so stop trying to fabricate issues that aren’t there.
- She’s not crazy. Yes, I admit there are some crazy people out there. But I’m not secretly plotting how to get your man back, any more than you are secretly plotting how to get your ex back, while you’re with my ex. So please, do us both a favour and stop thinking like that.
- Don’t give him an ultimatum. It will only breed dishonesty and somewhere along the line resentment. I’m not the type of woman that wants to fuel someone’s insecurities, so if my ex tells me, you don’t like him talking to me, I will ask him not to contact me again. It won’t be the first time I’ve heard an ex tell me this and it won’t be the last time I walk away from one. But just know you just lost him a good friend, and someone who would have also been in your corner. You forget I know him pretty well, so when things aren’t going so well I’ll be able to give him some good advice.
- Everyone has a past. Our past moulds us into who we are today. You think he’s a great guy, so do I. He no doubt treats you well and is doing all the right things. Well guess what, I’m a big part of the reason he’s so great. I spent a great deal of time nurturing him. You’re welcome.
- Listen to your gut. Your heart can be fooled, your past experiences will always hinder your judgement and your head can be reasoned with. But your gut, that never lies. Do you really think I’m a threat? Or does your relationship have other issues that you don’t want to face up to? Maybe he’s not giving you enough attention or he sneaks off to check his messages? There could be a gazillion things fuelling your doubts but try and differentiate between what your gut feels and what your experiences are creating.
- Talk to him. If after all this, you still feel that I’m (his ex) a problem you need to sit him down and explain why you feel the way you do. Any man that wants to keep you will try and understand where you are coming from and won’t want you to feel that way. But if you don’t trust him, you’ll always be looking over your shoulder. Is that really how you want to live life?
For me it’s very simple, when I meet someone and his ex comes up in conversation, I listen to how he talks about her and the words he uses to describe her. I ask how often he speaks to / sees her? Then there are the visual cues, do his eyes still light up when her name comes up? This tells me all I need to know.
How someone talks about their ex and their past relationships shows their emotional maturity. If you only ever hear a man badmouth all his exes, see it as a red flag. One day you’ll be the person that he talks badly of. I once dated someone who spoke about his ex, the mother of his child like that. Do you know what it made me think? One day I may be the ‘b**ch he tells someone else about and that doesn’t sit well with me.
So dear current girlfriend, I hope you now understand, I am no threat to you. You’re safe and I am not after your man.
So Missy, very intresting article in response….. you see I was a late bloomer but then when the time came again and again…. I dated some of the baddest B***h’s !! and so on, I know your the type that likes her old skool music… like Joyce Sims ‘come into my life ‘ Phillis Nelson ‘ Move Closer ‘ I was in the same era…..
so some thoughts that may interest you some quotes from my book the one i said i was going to write….
” I realized right then and there, in that hallway, that I wanted no other… I became the man she needed me to be because she had sense enough to have requirements-standards that she needed in her relationship in order to make the relationship work for her.
She knew she wanted a monogamous relationship-a partnership with a man who wanted to be a dedicated husband and father. She also knew this man had to be faithful, love God, and be willing to do what it took to keep this family together. On a smaller scale she also made it clear that she expected to be treated like a lady at every turn-I’m talking opening car doors for her, pulling out her seat when she’s ready to sit at the table, coming correct on anniversary, Mother’s Day, and birthday gifts, keeping the foul talk to a minimum. These requirements are important to her because they lay out a virtual map of what I need to do to make sure she gets what she needs and wants. After all, it’s universal knowledge that when mama is happy, everybody is happy. And it is my sole mission in life to make sure She is happy.”
“Now, revealing that you’re a keeper is no guarantee that this guy won’t just walk away. Some men really are just sport fishing and have no intention of doing anything more than throwing back the women they bed. If this is the intent of this man, then let him walk-what do you care? He’s not the guy you’re looking for.”
“I’ve said over and over again jokingly that the only way a woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men—an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy. Now the four of them combined? They got you covered.”
“But if he loves you, he will profess it, he will provide for you, and he will protect you. If he really loves you, the ultimate profession is, “This is my wife.”
One of my personal favorites….
Never cheat,steal, lie or drink…. But if you do….
Cheat Death
Steal away from bad company
Lie in the arms of the one u love
And drink in the moments that take your breath away !