Date their reality.
Not their potential.
“It’s hard to walk away when you love someone for who they promise to become.”
R.H Sin
We were getting along so well, yet you didn’t think twice about pulling away. When I asked you what happened, what changed? You told me that I deserved better, and you could never give me what I want. What a load of codswallop, of course you could, but you chose not to, and you were too coward to admit that you didn’t want to. Instead, you left me no choice but to walk away and as I walked away so did a little faith and hope.
I often ask myself why I didn’t see the signs sooner; the red flags that I know to look out for (I realise now that there were many), I’m smarter than that. Were things perfect between us? No of course not, but I held onto the belief that although you were not everything I looked for, you had the potential to be. How wrong I was.
You see like many others, I was holding onto what you could be, instead of accepting the who you are, right now. I had created a vision of who you would be in the future. I didn’t once stop to think the person you once were has gone; the person you might be in the future doesn’t exist and may never exist. So really, I should only date the person you are in the present.
And here’s the thing about dating a man (or woman) with potential, at the beginning they show you a glimpse of who they could be. We foolishly believe that is their reality and we take that reality and explode it into something that will never be. Is this my shortcoming? Maybe. After all, I am the only one accountable for my decisions, but I do believe Mr Potential also needs to accept some accountability for the part he has played.
For a second let’s take a look at the word potential. Note the first part of the word, potent… there’s a reason it’s there. Unless someone knows who they are, and ultimately accepts who they are, they will always show up as their representative – the best versions of themselves. In the beginning they will show you what they want you to see – a version that they know you will be attracted to. But the harsh reality is they can’t keep this up and sooner or later the act becomes tiring. This is when you get to see their reality, not the potential they painted.
But you already know this but still continue to date someone’s potential. In essence an imaginary being that has not yet caught up to the person we envisage them to be and likely never will. Is it his fault that we saw potential where potential never existed? No, in this instance it’s mine. Did I choose to ignore the red flags? Yes, I did. More fool me and every woman that has done this.
I know I won’t be the first woman guilty of dating a man’s potential instead of their reality – a man that needs fixing. The empath in me wants to be needed, she can’t help but want to help him reach his potential. But the pragmatist in me knows although being needed is addictive, and supporting a partners growth comes naturally, it’s more important to recognise what he’s bringing to the table, and I’m not talking financially.
We need to start recognising the reality of our partner. It’s so easy to get swept up at the beginning of a relationship; it’s human nature to think ahead and envisage a future. For a split second all I ask is you keep your feet firmly on the floor & ask yourself this very important question. Right now, not in a year or five years’ time is he right for you? Here’s my thoughts:
Don’t try and change them.
Love them for who they are right now, not who they could be. Ask yourself does he treat you right? Does he make you feel special? Does he put the effort into your relationship? Most importantly is he showing you his authentic self, warts, and all? A man that isn’t afraid to show you his vulnerabilities is truly a man that has accepted who he is. Love who they are right now or have the strength to walk away.
You’re his partner not his teacher.
If you wanted to be a lecturer/tutor you would have chosen that career and whereas I think we should never stop learning, it is not your place to constantly correct him; tell him what he’s doing wrong or guide him in the basic principles of life. He should have enough self-awareness to understand the implications of his actions. A relationship should be about mutual understanding, loving and growth not something that is one sided.
Stop making excuses for them.
When you step back and ask yourself the questions above, you’ll know if you love his potential or reality. ‘Darling, work is really busy right now, but as soon as it quietens down, I promise I’ll make more time for you’ is not a valid excuse. When someone wants to be with you, they find a way. ‘I’ve got a lot on my mind’ is not English for ‘you can treat me like crap’. Don’t let who you believe someone is deep down excuse the reality of how they’re making you feel right now.
Don’t ignore your instincts.
When you know, you know. Don’t ignore the red flags or what your gut is telling you. If it’s saying ‘this is not who he is’ or ‘he has no appetite to change, it’s just lip service’ then believe it. Always trust your gut. Your brain can be fooled, and your heart is an idiot, but your gut doesn’t know how to lie.
Break the vicious cycle.
I believe we attract what we want/need. So, if you keep attracting fixer uppers; men that always cheat on you or treat you like crap there’s a good reason for that (sorry, I know that’s a hard pill to swallow. If it makes you feel any better, it’s one I have swallowed many times). Maybe you need to be a little more introspective; Work on yourself; Give yourself permission to be loved; Tell yourself you are deserving of everything your heart desires; know your self-worth and the rest will flow.
I’ll leave you with this final thought. Potential is great, it opens up a world of possibility, but it promises nothing. Without the willingness and drive to achieve, nothing will change. We shouldn’t live our lives or love lives thinking coulda, shoulda, woulda.
[…] DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. He will never change. I know you don’t want to hear this but people can only treat you the way you let them. And you’ve let him treat you like this so he’ll continue. There may be times he treated you the way you wanted. You glimpsed the man you think he can be, but your relationship is in the here and now. stop living in the future. He is, who he is. now, date his reality not his potential. […]