Polygamy or Monogamy? One size doesn’t fit all.
“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”
Paulo Coehlo
While channel flicking, I recently came across a programme, exploring the beauty of Polygamy. The Monogamist in me watched on, mortified at these couples’ swapping partners without a care in the world. I should have really changed the channel or just switched the TV off, but I was transfixed. Two things struck me. Firstly, these couples looked just like every other couple I know, just your average Mr & Mrs Smith and secondly despite all the couples being there for one common purpose, f**king someone else’s brains out, the outcome and emotions coming from each couple were vastly different.
In the honeymoon stage of any relationship, life always feels good, you’re both walking around on cloud 9 with rose tinted glasses, red flags? What red flags? You both make a lot of effort to make the other happy. Planning date nights, spontaneous romantic weekends away and small, kind gestures to show the other person that you’re thinking about them. But the longer you stay together the less effort you make. You settle into a routine; some would even say you become complacent.
What most of us forget though, often complacency breeds contempt. As women, we may stop dressing up as much; the grooming routine slips, and we don’t even bother with the make-up anymore. Yet he never complains because he’s become accustomed to this new you. As a man you may have put on a little relationship weight, after all you are no longer single, so you don’t need to make as much effort to get the woman, right? Wrong, so, so wrong. Whatever happened to self-pride and consistency? Sometimes you need to remind the other person why they fell for you in the first place.
Whether you’re in a situationship, dating, in a long-term relationship or married, we all know relationships are hard work. Not only are they hard work, but they also take work, something most of us glaze over. This programme sent my mind into overdrive. Most of these polyamorous couples looked really happy exploring other couples and if they were happy, have I been doing this whole relationship thing wrong my whole life? Are there commonalties between monogamous, polyamorous, or bigamous relationships? And most importantly what are the ingredients that make either of these relationship types a good relationship?
- BE HONEST
Whether you are monogamous or polyamorous, you must be honest with your partner about the type of relationship you are looking for. If you ultimately want marriage, be clear. If one person tells you in no uncertain terms that they don’t want to get married, listen to them. The probability of them changing their mind is slim to none, don’t think you can change their mind. Same goes for a partner that tells you they want something casual, or they want to see the others, what they’re basically telling you is they’re looking for an open relationship. Unsure? Don’t be afraid to ask the question, but also be prepared to accept the response and walk away of it’s not right for you. - COMMUNICATE OPENLY Good honest communication is so important in any relationship. Misunderstandings can break down even the strongest of relationships. But if you are both honest with one another and listen to what the other is saying and I mean truly hear what they are saying, then you’re already on solid ground. Never walk away misunderstood or misunderstanding someone, let go of your ego, not your relationship. Think about it, If your nail grows, you don’t cut off your whole finger, do you? No, you cut the nail. Misunderstandings are exactly the same.
- TRUST IN YOURSELF Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship; without it you have nothing. Yet so many of us second guess ourselves, whilst others constantly seek external validation therefore never listen to the inner voice that tells them whether the relationship they’re in is making them happy. If you are in a polyamorous relationship but hate the thought of sharing the person you are crazy about with another then you know it’s not right for you. As a monogamist, the second you let a third person in your relationship, it’s game over.
- LEAVE JEALOUSY AT THE DOOR I’m not generally a jealous person but I accept jealousy is a natural human emotion which stems from an irrational fear of losing the one you are with or feeling inadequate compared to another. However, we tend to overlook that jealousy is often rooted in our own insecurities and self-doubt and not something the other person is creating. It’s easy to think that being in a polyamorous relationship would enhance jealousy but that couldn’t be further from the truth. A polyamorous couple signed up to being with more than one partner and therefore have already accepted the possibility of another in their relationship. They revel at their partner making new connections and forging new relationships. As a monogamist I can honestly say this really is a foreign concept to me, I’m of the firm belief if your partners eyes wander, they’re not for you and instead of being jealous let the whole of their body wander… as far away from you as they can possibly get.
The upshot? There is no correct way to love. it’s not a one size fits all situation. Each type of relationship has its own benefits and challenges, and there is much we can learn from the other. We grow up being taught that a relationship should consist of two people, committed to each other exclusively, but why must we conform to society’s expectations? Embrace your truth and find contentment in the type of relationship you want.
All that matters is creating a strong foundation of trust and understanding, creating a healthier and more fulfilling relationship dynamic. So, instead of looking for validation from the rest of the world, look within and trust in the love that you and your partner have cultivated together. The only thing I know for sure, I don’t give a f**k what society tells me is right, I will always do what is right for me. But if I give someone my love, I want 100% back not a measly 50% because they’re busy giving another the other 50%.
Team monogamy all the way. I’m too greedy to share.
I’ve tried both these types of relationships and I have to agree I’m Team Monogamy too. I want my man all to myself, great read.