The journey from lovers to BFF’s. Yes, it’s possible.
“No one can be friends after being lovers. But if they are friends again after being lovers, they are the best friends in the world.”
Unknown
Breaking up is never easy. The end of a romantic relationship can leave us feeling hurt, betrayed, and lost, especially if one of you wasn’t ready for it to end. If you are currently going through this, I know it will be hard to believe but you can turn that pain into something beautiful.
In this world there are two camps of people. Those who think men and women can never be friends, as for exes, it’s a cardinal sin staying friends with them. And those who believe that some journeys start off one way but can go in a totally different direction. They know the journey from lovers to best friends is not only possible, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. After all this person has seen more of you than most.
When I dated Big Spoon, we had a great base for a friendship, we enjoyed one another’s company; had a laugh; had mutual respect for one another and the conversation was always overflowing. On paper we would have made great partners, but in reality, not only was our timing off, but I was also a flight risk to him. We discussed whether we could stay friends if our relationship ended, I thought we could, his answer was vehemently no. Until the day came where we decided it wasn’t going to work out between us and he uttered the words “I’d still like to be friends.” His viewpoint changed but my feelings hadn’t. I wasn’t sure our friendship would work, but boy am I glad we tried. Because now not only are we friends but we’re the greatest of friends. His friendship was one of my most unexpected gifts of last year.
I know what you’re thinking, one of you must still have feelings for the other, one of you is waiting for the other to pledge their undying love, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We’re two people who adore one another, but there is no physical attraction between us, we just want the best for one another. I give him relationship advice; he returns the favour. He tells me when I’m being a dumbass, I reciprocate. It’s a beautiful friendship steeped in honesty and open communication. One that I’d be hard pushed to find in the real world, because here’s the thing, unlike other relationships between a male and female, we got the whole sexual chemistry thing out of the way, we’ve seen each other at our rawest and we’re still here for one another.
So, if you are thinking about staying friends with an ex (I don’t advise it with every single one) here’s a few things to think about:
- MAKE SURE YOU HAVE CLOSURE
Before you can become friends with your ex, it’s crucial that you have both gained closure and healed. This means taking the time to process your emotions, reflect on the relationship, and come to terms with the fact that you are no longer together romantically. Without this essential step, attempting to be friends will only lead to heartache. And no one wants their heart broken twice. - BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
If you’re still harbouring feelings for the ex, hoping that one day they’re going to wake up and pledge their undying love for you, run. Run as fast as you can, far away from this person and the friendship, it’s never going to work. Yes I know, we’d all love to star in our very own romcom, where the best-friends end up together, but this is reality. If you are holding out for this fairytale your friendship will never work and it will just leave you feeling frustrated and unworthy. Don’t do that to yourself, please. - ACCEPT THE DYNAMICS WILL CHANGE
When the romance ends, it’s natural to question whether a friendship can even be salvaged. The dynamics between lovers and friends is vastly different. However, it’s important to remember that the foundation of any strong relationship is built on a deep connection and shared experiences. While the romantic aspect may have faded, the friendship can still flourish if both parties are willing to put in the effort. - ESTABLISH NEW BOUNDARIES
One of the most crucial aspects of maintaining a healthy friendship with your ex is establishing clear boundaries and managing expectations. It’s essential to communicate openly about what is and isn’t comfortable for both of you. This means discussing topics such as dating other people, spending time alone together, and the level of emotional support you are willing to provide. By setting these boundaries from the beginning, you can avoid potential misunderstandings and preserve the friendship. - REBUILD THE TRUST AND COMMUNICATION
No relationship is successful without trust and communication, and the same applies when transitioning from lovers to best friends. Rebuilding trust after a breakup can be challenging, especially if there was betrayal or hurt involved. It’s important to have open and honest conversations about your expectations, boundaries, and any lingering issues from the past. By actively listening and being empathetic towards each other’s feelings, you can gradually rebuild trust and establish a healthy communication pattern, which won’t threaten your future relationships. - LEAVE THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER AT THE DOOR
Jealousy and lingering emotions can be obstacles when trying to be friends with an ex. It’s natural to feel a twinge of jealousy when you see your ex moving on or dating someone new. However, it’s crucial to remember that you broke up for a reason and that being friends doesn’t mean you have to be involved in every aspect of each other’s lives. By focusing on your own growth and happiness, you can overcome these emotions and genuinely celebrate each other’s growth. - UNDERSTAND THE BENEFITS
Having an ex as your best friend can bring a unique set of benefits to your life. Firstly, you have someone who knows you intimately, both your past and your journey on a level that others may not. This can create a deep sense of comfort and support. Additionally, your ex can provide valuable insights and advice when it comes to romantic relationships, as they have first-hand knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses. Lastly, having an ex as a best friend can expand your social circle and introduce you to new experiences and perspectives. - DON’T LET THE PAST DICTATE YOUR FUTURE
While it’s natural to reminisce about your past, it can be a slippery slope. Try to focus on the present and the future of your friendship. Don’t let old wounds or past mistakes define your current friendship. Respect each other’s boundaries and appreciate what you are both bringing to the table. Big Spoon has pushed me out of my comfort zone many times, challenging some of my thinking. - KNOW YOUR FRIENDS / FAMILY WILL RARELY UNDERSTAND
While the idea of being friends with your ex could be appealing, your friends and family will likely not understand. Ask yourself can you handle their reactions, or will it put an unnecessary strain on your friendship? Before you answer, remember this is your life, and you have the right to choose who you want to have in it. It’s no one’s business but yours. Don’t let others dictate how you live your life. - BE CONSIDERATE OF HOW SOMEONE NEW WILL FEEL
Relationships are hard enough, when you factor in an ex it can get quite messy. However, if you are honest, from the outset with the person you are with this gives them a chance to decide whether they want to enter into a relationship with you. As I mentioned earlier for some being friends with an ex is a deal breaker. I’ve also been honest with anyone I get involved with, Big Spoon and I dated, we’re better as friends. End of story.
I’ll leave you with this. Maintaining a healthy friendship requires effort and commitment from both parties, friendships with an ex more so. Transitioning from lovers to best friends will be challenging but if you get it right, it’s one of the most rewarding journeys you’ll ever embark on. If you focus on closure and healing; rebuild the trust and communication; overcome the jealousy, and embrace the benefits, you can forge a strong and lasting friendship with your ex.
Trust me, it’s not always going to be easy, but as long as you communicate openly and honesty while respecting one another, your ex can become your best friend. So, if you’re willing to put in the effort, why not take a chance. I can honestly say now that Big Spoon and Little Spoon are no longer lost in translation it is one of the most beautiful relationships of my life. A friendship I’m truly grateful for x.
Don’t know how you do it, staying friends with the ex is hard work especially if you haven’t totally gotten over them.