It’s not you, it’s me. Where have I heard that before?
“If you push me away, I promise you, you won’t find me where you left me. My heart’s big, but not big enough to deal with people who decide to love me when it’s convenient for them.”
The Modern Break Up.
Let’s imagine a very common scenario. Boy meets girl, there’s an instant attraction, you’re getting along really well, you have a great connection, you talk long into the night about anything & everything, get each other’s sense of humour & then out of the blue you hear those familiar words ‘I can’t do this. Sorry. It’s not you it’s me.’
As women how many times have we heard those words? And let’s be honest how many times have we said them to someone else? I’ll be honest I’m guilty of using those words many, many times. At times to spare the other persons feelings, at other times I just didn’t want to deal with the fallout and thought this would be the lesser of two evils.
So, I know I won’t be the first person to hear this, and I certainly won’t be the last. But the last time I heard those 5 short words it stung a little deeper than usual.
He said “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ready, I don’t want a relationship right now.”
You hear “I don’t want a relationship with you, so if I tell you I’m not ready, I can move on to another.”
My immediate reaction, like most of the women I know… ‘it is me. Maybe he hates that I bite my nails (I don’t bite my nails BTW), maybe my clumsiness was just too much for him (yes, I can admit I am clumsy), maybe he hates my voice (as a voiceist I totally get that) or God forbid he just doesn’t find me attractive or thinks I’m dull‘ (he clearly needs his head testing if he thinks that).
This got me thinking, how many times must we hear ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ before we start to consider the possibility that it could actually be him? And more importantly why can’t we take this statement at face value and just accept that it is him?
Maybe his ex has scarred him so deeply that he’s scared to embark on a new journey, for fear of the same outcome.
Maybe he hasn’t realised his full potential and seeing the fabulous that you are makes him feel insecure. He realises he needs to work on himself before he could ever be open to the possibility of you or another.
Maybe he really is too busy. Not just for you but for anything. I know we see this as one of the biggest copouts, our friends will tell us that no one is that busy that they can’t make time for you, but a relationship may not be a priority in his life, maybe, just maybe at that time in his life there are other things more important.
We’re our own worst enemy. We think ‘he’s not ready, but if I just give him some time maybe he’ll change his mind’. No ladies he will not. So, we think ‘I’ll stop talking to him, my absence will make him miss me so much he’ll come running back’. Afraid not.
Nothing you do will change the mind of a man that simply is not ready. So, let’s stop torturing ourselves. Let’s stop assuming that we are the ones that did something wrong. He was happy to engage with you, and give you hope, but his need for you ended right about the time he realised that you wanted more than he was prepared to give.
For any of you men that have made these five common words a routine, you may think these words show the other person compassion, they don’t. They just leave us confused and puzzled over what went wrong. The next time you start to utter them, stop, think about the message you are trying to convey. Tell her why you aren’t ready. And ladies don’t for a minute think that it is you. The next time you find yourself on the receiving end of those five little words, take a deep breath, hold your head high, pivot on those heels (or the trainers we’ve now become accustomed to wearing) and walk away. I know it may not seem that way now, but he’s just done you the biggest favour and saved you from some serious heartbreak down the line. Be thankful. Thank you Mr It’s Not You, It’s Me.
Couldn’t agree more. I blame the society we live in and the culture we were born into. Women are not second class citizens and we should start recognising our worth.