I belong to me. Not you, not him, not her, just me.
“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
Brené Brown
‘Know thyself’, arguably one of the oldest and most profound truths, which the Greeks actually inscribed on the temple of Delphi. But it seems that something seemingly easy feels very difficult for us. Why you ask? Well, I think there are many reasons we never really truly know ourselves and therefore never completely belong to ourselves, here are just a few of them:
1. IT’S DIFFICULT TO BE THE TOPIC OF YOUR OWN STUDY.
When we’re being introspective we find it really difficult to challenge our thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Although we should be experts on own experiences, we struggle with objectivity because our emotions come into play.
If we’re honest, we’ve all struggled with self-reflection at some stage in our life – a time in our lives where we think all our actions are justified; where we always think others are to blame and are never really prepared to accept any of the blame ourselves. But as we get older, we definitely get better at recognising the part we play in any given situation, or at least we should.
A few weeks ago I was randomly talking to a guy at my gym who mentioned that his ex-wife and his last two long term girlfriends had cheated on him. So, I asked him “did he ever step back and ask himself why this pattern keeps repeating itself?” to which his highly offended reply was “are you saying it’s my fault they all cheated on me?” I wasn’t for one second suggesting it was his fault, but he clearly thought he was the victim here and couldn’t accept that he may have played a part in the cheating. Maybe he was attracting a certain type? Maybe he was neglecting them so they sought attention in the arms of another? I don’t know the answer, but one thing I do know is, he was finding it difficult to accept any responsibility because he found it difficult to truly look at himself. The idea that somehow he had contributed to this pattern in his life was incomprehensible to him. But if he was honest with himself he couldn’t deny that he was the common denominator in all his relationships. Harsh but true.
2. WE’RE TOO CONCERNED WITH WHAT OTHERS THINK.
This is arguably the worst thing we can do to ourselves, because our worth is attached to what others think of us. Unknowingly we’re so desperate to gain acceptance, approval and validation that it affects the way we feel about ourselves.
I remember many many years ago, I was probably in my late twenties / early thirties, we were at a family wedding and I remember hearing a relative say to my sister “Rani’s got such a pretty face, if only she just lost some weight” Now you could be fooled into thinking I was some beached whale, yes I was curvy, maybe I was carrying a few extra pounds, but I certainly wasn’t clinically obese. However, two decades later those words still sting. It doesn’t matter what I think of my own body, those words still ring in my head and make me feel like I’ll never be enough. One seemingly small sentence, uttered by someone inconsequential in my life, had condemned me and my single life. Suggesting that I couldn’t be with someone because I wasn’t a size zero. What a ridiculous notion.
3. WE PUT THE NEED OF OTHERS BEFORE OUR OWN.
We’re so busy doing things for others that we don’t stop to ask ourselves, what do I need? And once you take on this role, it’s hard to adopt another as others will always expect you to maintain that role. When I think about some of the different hats I wear; sister, aunt, daughter, friend, there is one consistent. I’m always there for someone, whenever they need me, whether it’s advice, to vent or more. It’s the role I’ve inadvertently adopted. Can I say the same for them? Not always no. Is that their fault? maybe, maybe not.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend and he was telling me about the trials and tribulations affecting his life. Our conversation went on for a good 10-15 minutes and not once did he ask me ‘how are you?‘ ‘what’s going on in your life?’. was I annoyed? yes, because for the first time in my life I realised they were so used to taking and I’ve become so used to giving. that I always put their needs in front of my own and for my own sanity that has to stop.
The problem is, when you become accustomed to listening you stop knowing how to share your own woes and become a person that doesn’t ever ask for help. Until one day someone says ‘I don’t want to talk about me, what’s going on with you?’ The sentence feels so strange that you’re not even sure what to say. But you have to learn, because part of belonging to yourself is owning your voice and your time. You matter as much, if not more than they do.
4. WE ASSOCIATE BELONGING TO OURSELVES WITH RIDICULOUS QUOTES.
Who hasn’t heard this advice before? “You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you”, yawn. Whereas I fundamentally agree with that quote there is so much more to belonging to yourself than these stupid quotes.
I’ve lost count of the number of times that I questioned whether I was good enough, feelings of deep inadequacies, but I am also very prepared to continually work on myself to detach myself from these feelings and know that I am more than enough, whether that be a good enough daughter, sister, aunt, partner or friend.
I’ll leave you with this thought. As women, we constantly question our ability to choose what we believe to be right for ourselves, for fear that we’ll be judged or misunderstood and that’s our prerogative. But as tiring as belonging to ourselves can be, we need to start becoming our own cheerleaders – our best advocates. Which ultimately means extending the same love, care and attention we bestow on others to ourselves. Only then will be truly take back control and belong to ourselves.
