Teach your demons to roam without causing damage.
“I am lost to a thought buried in my bones. I am cursed with the idea that I am not enough.”
Blake Auden
When I first read this quote from Blake, it struck a chord, deep down, in the place I like to bury all my demons, and ever since I can’t seem to shake it. Something he said keeps plaguing me. “Of all the curses I’m destined to carry, the simple idea that I’m not enough continues to be the heaviest’.
Now please don’t misunderstand. I know not only am I enough, but I am more than enough. My cup runneth over. The harsh reality however is no matter how together we are, at some point in our lives we all have this feeling of inadequacy, because that is what it is, a stark feeling that no matter what we do we’ll never be enough.
It’s not an easy thing to admit but I for one have spent my whole life feeling like I’m ‘never quite enough’ and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, it’s almost as if we come with an inbuilt chip that emits a ‘never quite enough’ frequency that we can’t quite shift, even when we try and tune in to another frequency something happens to remind you of this feeling of inadequacy and you are right back where you started.
Most people think that when they meet a person who has these feelings of inadequacy, they will immediately know, like there is a set behaviour from them. A clear sign that they are feeling inadequate, but nothing could be further from the truth. it’s not always obvious. Some of us are masters at concealing our true feelings and thoughts, after all we’ve done it our whole lives.
The problem with feeling this way is it drives every life choice we make. We can swing one of two ways. The first, we adopt a ‘woe is me’ attitude where we’ll always be a victim. Nothing is ever our fault; life is cruel, and we believe we’ll never be good enough so why bother trying 🤷🏻♀️. Worse case we hit the self-destruct button and ruin our chances of being happy and being enough before someone else does. It’s self-sabotage at its very best.
Or the second way, the route I chose. ‘I am better than this’ where we use the feeling to elevate our lives. Be a better version of ourselves. The only problem with this route is you can spend your whole life trying to do more so that are always ahead of this feeling of never quite being enough, but it doesn’t always work.
The truth however is, until we still our minds, and question what makes us feel this way, we can’t take back control.
KNOW YOUR SELF-WORTH
We have this constant need to please others that we stop noticing what we bring to the table. So instead of trying to be good enough for someone else, let’s ask ourselves are they good enough for us? Instead of asking ourselves am I good enough for my job, ask yourself is this company good enough for me? Stop waiting to be chosen.
TAKE BACK CONTROL
We can’t control the way others behave but we can control our reaction to their behaviour. By taking back this control we stop giving others the permission to make us feel this way. By disconnecting ourselves from their actions and opinions, we no longer let their actions and opinions affect us the same way. Finally, we can put a stop to this ongoing spiralling cycle of inadequacy.
MAKE FRIENDS WITH FEAR
Even those that we look up to have fears and feelings of inadequacy, they’re just better at masking it. They’ve learnt to deal with these feelings and understand just because you don’t have all the answers doesn’t mean you are not good enough. Learn from them and learn to use fear to your advantage. You can look at fear one of two ways – FEAR = Face everything and Run or Face everything and Rise. I will always choose the latter.
YOU WONT ALWAYS BE RIGHT
I’m sure you automatically assumed I was referring to you always thinking you are right, but I’m not. I’m referring to you not always being right for a situation and accepting that just because you’re not right for that situation it doesn’t mean that you are not good enough. Let’s take relationships. For the wrong person, you will never be right, but for the right person, you will never be wrong. Learn to detach your worth from someone else’s value of you.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
It’s human nature to envy those that appear to have more than us. They look like they’ve got their life in order; they’ve got the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect children, while you appear to be making one mistake after another. Stop, right now. Stop torturing yourself. The reality is they also have days when they wake up with the same feelings of inadequacy. And If you keep comparing yourself to others you will never be happy nor feel like you are enough. Instead try focusing on making small changes in your life, bit by bit. The only person you should be in competition with is yourself. Always strive to be better than yesterday.
TELL YOUR INNER CRITIC TO DO ONE
When we get stuck in our own heads we become the judge, the jury, and the executioner. There is no critic harsher than you. You are your own worst enemy. Stop beating yourself up about every little thing. Accept that despite our best efforts, there will be times that life doesn’t go our way and move on from it, stop dwelling. Overthinking causes us problems that aren’t even there.
I will leave you with this. There are no certainties in life, but there is one thing I know for sure, no matter how hard I work on myself there will be those low days when that feeling of never being quite enough will rear its ugly head. However, I promise to catch myself before I allow these ridiculous, self-deprecating thoughts to leak into my being and ruin my day and if they do manage to sneak in, I will tell myself I am only human and a great human at that. Now get back in your box.
