When your friendship turns into a trail of crumbs.
“Some people don’t love you; they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits. So, they do the minimal. A little phone call here and there, just checking on you. What they are really doing is maintaining the connection, so when they need / want you, they still have a way in.”
Unknown
A while back you may remember I wrote an article about what happened to dating the old-fashioned way. A time where we concentrated on one person at a time, and approached a relationship with openness, focusing on how beautifully promising the beginning of any new relationship is. Instead, I realised it’s been replaced by this strange phenomenon where icing, simmering, and breadcrumbing were fast becoming the new dating norm.
Disillusioned by this new way of dating, the one thing I was always grateful for were my uncomplicated friendships. The ones that were easy and always left me feeling fulfilled and content. My small group of ride or die’s, come rain or shine we’d always have one another’s back. But as I get older, I’ve had an alarming realisation, some of those friendships no longer serve me, yet here I am still holding on to some of them for dear life. Friendships that were once filled with daily communication now seemed to survive off breadcrumbs. F**k me, how has this ugly word ‘breadcrumbing’ found its way into our friendships as well as our dating lives? Is nothing sacred? How have we let something so detrimental creep into relationships so precious to us? And why are we still playing along?
I’m generally not a hoarder, I tend not to hold onto anything past its expiration date and I’m pretty good at letting go of things that no longer hold value in my life. But for some insane reason despite some friendships losing their way it’s taken me a lot to give up on them, there are still some I refuse to give up on. Even though the other person is literally feeding me a few crumbs, my heart refuses to accept it. Why? Because I’m still holding onto to the person they once were and the friendship we once had. Deep down, I also know if I really needed them, they’d be there for me in a heartbeat, despite the fact our daily conversations now feel like quarterly conversations, and we never seem to see each other anymore.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, it does. When a friendship that was once your everything starts to feel like nothing more than a something, it forces you to ask yourself some stark questions. How have you allowed this to happen? Or worse did you always know it would happen? And why are you still holding on? It makes you question your very being. I can’t speak for you, but I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, and I’ve realised that I need to stop ignoring the signs and I need to make some changes. Either I choose to fight for a friendship that once was or I flee, but I can’t just toe the line anymore. So where to start?
- STOP PUTTING OTHERS BEFORE YOU
Yes, I can admit it, I was once a ‘yes person’ but only with those that mattered in my life. I was always agreeable and accommodating, I mean it’s a great quality to have, isn’t it? It sure beats being selfish I hear you say, but we forget there’s a cost to always putting others before you. Breadcrumbing in friendships only really occurs when one person consistently takes advantage of your willingness to say yes. If said friend needs to rearrange their diary commitments, you will always be the first person they think about cancelling or ask if they can move things around, because they know you’re always agreeable. It’s time to stop saying ‘no problem’. - SEE THE BREADCRUMBS FOR WHAT THEY ARE
When your friend throws you a few crumbs here and there, they think they’re doing their bit and that will be enough to keep you happy, right? Wrong. When it comes to real friendships, breadcrumbing can be a real eye-opener. Throughout life no relationship stays the same. People come and go, priorities shift, and interests change. But sometimes, we have to ask ourselves are our friends consistently taking advantage of our kindness and willingness to say yes? Do we feel neglected and taken for granted? If so, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the friendship and prioritise our own needs. True friendships are built on mutual respect and consideration, not on a trail of crumbs that lead nowhere. - CONFRONT THE BREADCRUMBER
A changing friendship can be difficult to navigate. Once you start seeing their breadcrumbing behaviour, you can’t unsee it. It’s really tempting to just brush off the crumbs and pretend it’s not happening, but you’re only lying to yourself. Every time you allow this behaviour, you’re telling the other person that it’s ok to treat you like this, when it’s anything but. By confronting the issue head on, you not only force the breadcrumber to acknowledge their behaviour and how their actions, or lack of, have made you feel, but it also gives them a chance to fix things, should they want to. And if they don’t make the effort to fix it then you need to ask yourself, do you really want to be stuck in a one-sided friendship? - BE HONEST AND OPEN IN YOUR COMMUNICATION
If you don’t make your needs known, how is the other person supposed to know? It doesn’t make you pushy or demanding, it just means you are setting healthy boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable. Maybe you need to ask yourself what’s changed in your friendship and based on that what you need from version 2.0 of your friendship. Just like we all have love languages, we also have friendship languages. Is it more quality time together? Is it a better balance of give and take? Once you’re clear in your mind, it’s much easier to be clearer with your friends. You don’t need to be confrontational; you just need to give the other person a chance to understand where you are coming from and what needs to change. The words “Our friendship means a lot to me, and I miss the time we once made for one another” sounds so much better than “I feel like you don’t give a shit about me anymore & I’m done with letting you make me feel this way.” - KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO CUT TIES
Life and friendships aren’t always black and white, but that grey area of uncertainty can be excruciatingly painful. In any friendship there will be times we consider walking away, but if the other person matters, we always hope that it will get better, or we’ll try to fix it. So how do you know when it’s time to walk away leaving behind the trail of breadcrumbs? Easy, trust your instincts. What is your gut telling you? Is it a blip in your friendship, have you both lost your way a little or does your friendship truly not serve the two of you anymore? As hard as it is, be honest with yourself, is your friendship causing you more pain than joy? Are you always the one that puts the effort in or is their mutual love and support? If your friendships leave you feeling nothing but hungry for more, I think it’s time to accept the truth, it’s time to say goodbye. - BUILD NEW GENUINE CONNECTIONS
You know what they say, when one door closes another open, but if you leave the door open, someone will always block the doorway. Losing a friend that was once dear to you can be soul destroying but what it does allow you to do is build new connections. Authentic friendships with people on the same journey as you, people who truly value you and will always uplift you. Remember the right friends will appreciate you for who you are, quirks and all and they’ll celebrate your success. In the last year I’ve had to let go of some friendships that no longer serve me and have felt one sided. Was it easy? No. Was it necessary? Absolutely. I’m blessed to say that it allowed me to build some new friendships that mean my cup always runneth over. They’re the kind of friends I can see myself growing old with, rather disgracefully I might add. 🙈
How has all this made me feel? While I was questioning those friendship, somewhat empty, it’s hard to throw away what you’ve spent years and years building, friends that meant so much to you, once upon a time. It wasn’t easy to walk away, but I’ve finally accepted, albeit with a heavy heart, not all friendships are meant to last forever, and sometimes we have to let them go in order for better ones to come into our life.
The best friendships will always be those that evolve and change for the better, over time. As we change, we need to recognise that our needs change too. It’s time to let go of the guilt associated with leaving behind friendships that no longer serve us. Life is too short, spend it with friends that bring you joy, make you better and feel real. The type of friends where you’ve no concept of time when you’re together. You know they’re right for you because you feel truly blessed to have them in your life and know your life is so much richer because of the people and friendships in it.
So, to all the friends that have gone before, thank you for the good times and the lessons you taught me, but our time is up. To all the friends that are here, walking by my side, know this, I’m thankful each and every day for what you have bought into my life, thank you.
We’re getting old girl, everyone of my girlfriends have said the same thing. So many relationships lost due to one sided friendships.