Unrequited love or misguided infatuation?
What if I can never forget you? What if, all my life, when I meet someone new, I can never fall for them because they aren’t you?”
Saket Sinha
It’s been almost a decade since I first clapped eyes on you, yet I still remember it like it was yesterday, every last detail…
The way you looked in front of that Tequila lit bar. The way i felt when our eyes met. I tried so hard to tear my gaze away, but I just couldn’t. You captivated me. There was just something about you; you made me feel something I hadn’t in a very long time; something that resembled… hope, excitement & promise (all rolled into one).
It was no different when we spoke, you were everything I’d hoped you’d be & more. A real-life manifestation of everything I’d ever looked for. You were not only ticking all my boxes, you were ticking boxes I didn’t even know I had. In truth I never allowed myself to believe you existed until you were right there standing in front of me, proving me wrong.
Everything about you & this felt different, from the way you looked at me, the contentment I felt all of a sudden, mixed with all these other emotions I couldn’t quite place. I should have asked someone to pinch me because in that moment I couldn’t quite believe my luck.
And just like, that as quick as you gave me that hope, you took it away. You disappeared without a trace. Trust me I tried to find you but what did I know about you? bar the fact that you were this devilishly handsome man that appeared to be so God damn perfect.
Every time I think about you & that night, I wish I had done things differently. I’d never change meeting you, but I wish I hadn’t played it so cool. I wish I had given you my number & my full name, I wish I’d asked for yours, but who does that? (serial killers or stalkers maybe.)
Finding you really was like looking for that needle in the haystack, all I had to go on was your first name, the city you lived in & what you did for a living. I looked long & hard, but it was futile. Like a ghost you’d disappeared into the dead of the night.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me & why I never called? But how could I? Yes, you gave me your number, but did you give me the right number, or did I write it down wrong? To this day these questions still plague me. I often ask myself what I would do if I ever saw you again. Would we recognise each other? What would we say to each other? Would we still get the same flutters as we did the first time?
It’s a lie when they say if you want something bad enough, ask the universe & it shall provide. Not a day went by when I didn’t ask, at times I asked for nothing more, but still you didn’t show up nor was there any clue how I could find you. Thanks universe for nothing.
The problem is the glimpse I got of you knocked me for six & there was this intense rush of emotion. From the moment our eyes danced to the beat, when you walked out of the bar after me; me inviting you to join us at our table; you asking if it was ok to give me your number & in a strange turn of events you & your friend ending up back at our villa joining us for a drink & some food; to the final moment when we shared that kiss (not so privately, I can only apologise to my friend that bore witness to it) never have I acted so out of character. it was like I was having an out of body experience.
Looking back, it was nothing more than infatuation. That intense emotion AKA my rose-tinted glasses would never have let me see the person you really were. I guess I just projected what I wanted you to be, maybe that’s why you seemed so perfect.
So instead of sitting here pining for you (yes, I do still do this from time to time) I’m thinking that maybe a higher power was saving me from something far worse than my desire to be with you. Maybe you really weren’t the man I thought you were. Maybe those 24 hours were all an act, maybe you too were living out some fantasy that night. I guess I will never know.
What I do know is I have to let you go. I must stop pining after something that never was, but more importantly I must stop wanting a man that I had created, because the reality is, you could never live up to my version of you. You see in my version you were perfect & always too good for me. The you that I created was my doing & it was not your responsibility to live up to it.
I realise now, there’s a fine line between infatuation & unrequited love. The first is nothing more than lust whereas the second is based on a real understanding of the other person. Knowing their faults but still loving them for who they are. We never got to know each other enough to know the latter.
Would we have worked out? Would we have been happy? Were you my Mr Has It All? We’ll never know. But you’ll always be one of the best 40th birthday gifts I was ever lucky enough to receive.
What I do know is, it’s time I swallowed my own bitter pill & closed the door. RIP Mr Cheval Cheveux you will forever put a smile on my face when I recall that encounter & the odd tear. Hello Mr Whoever You Are, wherever you are I’m think I’m finally ready for you.
Suki, now this really hit me where it hurts. I’ve been guilty of holding onto my past, which always meant my relationships never worked out. I’m slowly starting to understand why 🙂