Find your safe arms amongst the butterflies.
“My mother once told me – When you hold a man’s hand and he makes your heart beat faster, making you feel all giddy and excited, walk away. He’s not the man for you. If you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe, and secure – hold onto him. This is the man you should marry.”
Unknown
I hear these voices in my head, telling me time and time again to walk away. Yet here I am looking at myself standing still, unable to move away for fear that if I walk away, everything I believed about you will be a lie. I keep asking myself, why did it take me so long to realise your need for what I can do for you was much bigger than your need to be with me?
At first everything about you glowed. You were sharp, witty, funny, and so God damn attractive. When you smiled at me, it made me melt; when you kissed me it made me go weak at the knees and when you put your arms around me, so big and strong I knew there was nowhere I’d rather be. I thought I was one of the lucky ones, you not only gave me butterflies, but you also made me feel safe. How wrong I was.
Even now, I find it difficult to accept you weren’t the man I thought you were. Our relationship was built on lies. You were never loyal to me, but I can’t hold that against you because you weren’t disloyal either. You were so smart, you never fully walked into my life, nor did you ever fully walk away. So, you left me no choice but to walk as far away from you as I could get. You made me question my choices and my judgement. Today, for the first time, in a really long time, I felt my heart cry, asking me ‘what was it that you wanted to gain so badly that you lost yourself in the process?’
When I think about love, I can’t deny I’ve always wanted the butterflies, that feeling of looking at someone and thinking ‘god this guy ignites a fire in me like no other’. I loved the excitement and passion that came with that kind of love, but it seldom lasted. Now I’m sat here, wondering, whether what I should have been looking for was a safe pair of arms to seek comfort in. A man that feels like you’re wrapped up in your favourite blanket, so warm and comfortable, one that gives you an impenetrable sense of peace. The heart wants both but we all know this is rare., so when these two emotions are fighting one another which should we prioritise?
THE ENCHANTING SPELL OF BUTTERFLIES
If like me you love a good romcom, you’ll know that fairy-tale love oh so well. The stuff that sends your heart racing with a single glance. It’s the kind of romance that we’ve all been conditioned to seek, the one that sends us spiralling out of control into a blinkered world where it feels like it’s just the two of you. We all know the feeling, don’t we? That flurry of butterflies that makes a guest appearance in our stomach when we see someone who stirs our heart, with an all-consuming passion that sweeps us off our feet. It’s almost as if you’re on a never-ending rollercoaster, one minute you’re on cloud nine, and the next you’re plunging into the deepest, darkest, depths of despair.
BUTTERFLIES MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE’RE STARING IN OUR OWN ROMCOM
Here’s the kicker. We often mistake this constant emotional tug-of-war for love. The excitement, the unpredictability, it’s like starring in your own blockbuster movie. But is that what a sustainable, healthy relationship really looks like? I think not. In the midst of all this passion-fuelled chaos we get so caught up in the thrill of it all that we start confusing passion for love, and excitement for compatibility. This is real life people, we’re not characters in a novel, love is about a lot more than just the heart-pounding, butterfly-inducing moments. Once the initial rush fades what are we left with?
BUTTERFLIES CAN BLIND US
This heady mix of emotions, can make us lose our footing. The spell of the butterflies, as exhilarating as they are, can lead us into a labyrinth of confusion, masking the truth of our feelings and leaving us wondering what’s real and what’s not. We think the butterflies signify exciting, heart-fluttering passion, but they can also make us lose sight of what’s real. The intoxicating thrill of a new love affair not only leads us to overlook red flags, where we dismiss compatibility issues or ignore potential deal-breakers, but the whirlwind of this new romance also makes us lose sight of our true self. It’s a bit like getting lost in a passion-fuelled fog.
OVERLOOKING THE POWER OF FEELING SAFE
Let’s look at the flip side – that warmth we get when we feel safe, The quiet, steady love that doesn’t quite get the applause it deserves. It’s more of sitting by an open fire kind of love, less of a heart-pounding rollercoaster ride. As soon as we think about this kind of love, most of start to yawn, automatically assuming this means it’s going to be boring. Feeling safe doesn’t mean it has to be boring, though. Quite the opposite! Imagine that feeling of being wrapped up in your favourite blanket, cosy and comforting. You’re with someone who, just by being present, can calm the stormiest seas within you. There’s something so powerful about that, don’t you think?
THERE’S WARMTH IN SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE
This is the kind of love that isn’t rushed. It grows and deepens with every shared laugh, every whispered secret, every quiet moment just holding hands. It’s not about heart-stopping passion but more about shared understanding, empathy, and respect. It’s knowing that you can be your genuine self, warts, and all, and they won’t love you any less. With this kind of love, you have a safe space where judgement is left at the door, and acceptance is the guest of honour. It’s about knowing that, even in your darkest hour, you have someone who will hold you close and whisper, “We’ll get through this.” I’d like to raise a glass to the safe pair of arms, the overlooked heroes in our love stories. They may not be as flashy as the butterflies, but their steady, presence is what makes a love story truly beautiful and enduring.
STRIKING THE RIGHT BALANCE BETWEEN BUTTERFLIES AND SECURITY
In this world of whirlwind romances and heart-stopping passion, the power of feeling safe is often side-lined. Is there’s a happy middle ground between the exhilaration of the butterflies and the calm assurance of a safe pair of arms? There absolutely is. It’s all about not letting the fluttering butterflies cloud the importance of feeling secure. It’s completely fine to relish the excitement that the butterflies bring, as long as it’s not at the cost of your emotional security.
What would I do? Hold out for someone who not only sparks that stomach churning flutter you crave but also offers a comforting sanctuary for your soul. A healthy relationship is like the perfect glass of wine, an exquisite blend of thrill and tranquillity, excitement, and emotional safety. The balance isn’t always easy to find, I should know I seem to have been searching for it most of my adult life. But once you’ve tasted that harmonious blend, there’s just no going back. It’s like having your cake and eating it too, who doesn’t want that?
Allow yourself to feel the butterflies, but don’t let them carry you away into a fog of illusion, I’ve been guilty of doing that once or twice (ok maybe more). Appreciate the warmth and comfort of a safe pair of arms and recognise the power it holds. Appreciate that sometimes those butterflies can come after the feeling of that safe pair of arms. So, don’t be in a rush. Wait for that special someone who not only sets your heart aflutter but also anchors your soul, making you feel cherished and valued. Love isn’t about choosing between excitement and security; it’s about finding a partner who gives you a healthy serving of both. Now, isn’t that the kind of love we’re all secretly craving?
Interesting article as always Suki. Like you I’ve always looked for the butterflies, every time I didn’t get that feeling I thought they weren’t for me. Until i met me current partner. He makes me feel all the things you said and we may not have had sparks at the beginning but we sure do have them now.