It’s not a relationship.
It’s a situationship.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 200 times and we’re probably in a situationship.”
Unknown
Navigating relationships has never been easy but it should never be this complicated. ‘Let’s just chill. Let’s just be cool. Let’s have sex, and last but not least let’s be confused about the fact we are not together but have feelings for each other‘. Welcome to the era of situationships. This is what our generation considers dating ladies and gentlemen. Thanks but no thanks.
For those of you who are regular readers, you already know my feelings about online dating and the minefield it presents. I’m much more into the beautifully uncomplicated world of dating the old fashioned way, a time where you always knew where you stood. After what feels like a lifetime of online dating, last week I decided to hang up my hat, hit pause and step back from it all. Why? Because for the first time in a long time, I’m tired. And I don’t just mean your average ‘you’ll be ok after a good night’s sleep tired’ more of a ‘if you don’t stop and take a break you may not ever get back up tired’. But what are you so tired of?I hear you say.
Firstly I’m tired of all the bullshit. You meet someone, you both talk openly about what you’re looking for, only to discover that’s really not what they’re after. What they say and what they want are not one in the same, They’re simply paying you lip service and they don’t have the substance to see it through.
I’m also tired of dropping my standards and reasoning with myself that he’s worth taking a chance on, even if he doesn’t tick all my boxes. Why? because for some stupid reason I think to myself, it’s never worked with your usual type so maybe it’s time to take a different approach. I thought it was a good thing to compromise, but now I realise I was just being foolish.
Tired of going through the motions of the dating game, but never really getting any enjoyment out if it. If I had a penny for every date where I sat there smiling politely, making small talk, desperate to leave but not wanting to appear rude, I’d have cleared my mortgage on both my properties by now and that Aston Martin would be parked in my driveway.
But more than anything, I’m just tired of the disappointment and this ridiculous game we call relationships. Once upon a time, something so simple – boy meets girl; both get along; they invest their time in getting to know one another; naturally flowing through the courtship we call dating; before deciding whether they want to make some form of commitment to one another. I’ve lost count of how many times in my twenties I was someone’s girlfriend, without that awkward ‘where is this going conversation?’. My thirties and forties however, well that’s another story all together. we’ve replaced lets go with the flow with this insane need to label everything.
In this day and age there is no such thing as a simple relationship. God forbid, it should be that easy. Now we have:
TEXTATIONSHIPS: a relationship where you text all the time but make no effort to see one another.
SEXTATIONSHIPS: a relationship that is purely sexual – Friends with benefits; a booty call; side chick, call it whatever you want, but it’s just a leg over.
SITUATIONSHIPS: This one is my personal favourite. A relationship that has not yet been defined. More than a friendship but not quite a relationship. I mean honestly, please excuse my French but what the f*ck is this even about? Since when did we need to label getting to know someone this way? Isn’t this just called dating?
The other day a friend asked me if I was ok, she said I looked tired, she could see it in my eyes. She was right of course, I wasn’t feeling my best, the chest infection wasn’t helping but it was more than that. My smile, that has stopped many a man in his tracks, wasn’t reaching my eyes, no matter how hard I willed it to. And that glint in my eyes, that has been known to cause much trouble, seems to have diminished and I’m not sure I know how to get it back. I think I can finally admit to myself that the last 6 months have finally caught up with me.
Now I’m a firm believer in the universe ensuring that if we ever go off track, it finds a way of setting you right, putting you back on the journey you need to take to get you to where you want to be. Eventually whatever is meant to be ours will find its way to us, of that I am certain.
Six months ago, I met a man, we’ll call him ‘The Longshot‘, who truly shook my world. I felt an emotional, physical and intellectual connection like I hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever and it appeared to be mutual. We talked all the time, we laughed, we shared our passions and aspirations but as with everything in life, it wasn’t without its complications. We decided it wasn’t a journey we’d embark on, but whenever we were near one another we couldn’t deny the attraction.
Fast forward three months. My suitcase and mindset were packed with positivity and I was making my way to a new country. A country that I had decided would be home in the not-too-distant future; a place where I would enjoy carving out new beginnings; in hopefully every aspect of my life. The universe however had other plans for me. One horrific car accident later and I was still in England, and it didn’t look like I’d be fit enough to travel any time soon.
A short while later I agreed to meet a 6ft 3 stranger, let’s call him ‘Big Spoon’, in a local bar and law and behold we hit it off. I hadn’t laughed so much in a long time and for a short period he made me forget about the first encounter. We spent a few months getting to know one another. Did he tick all my boxes? No, but my priorities had changed, and he definitely ticked the most important ones. He was self aware without being arrogantly self assured; he was a great communicator and he seemed open to a wonderful world of possibilities – a very attractive trait.
We enjoyed one another’s company; laughing; exploring some insane conversations; it just felt easy; and it felt like it was all moving in the right direction. There was no reason to label whatever this was, after all we were still getting to know one another. In my mind neither of us had decided what ‘we’ were or whether in fact we were going to be anything other than two people who enjoyed one another’s company. Well not until he very casually told me he saw this as nothing more than a situationship.
You can thank him for this article, because until then I’d never heard of the term. Was I taken aback, you bet I was. The comment was so left field and no matter how many times either of us tried to explain the others viewpoint about one conversation when we first met, fundamentally neither of us could understand the others perspective. What he did however make me realise is, unbeknown to me, I’d spent the last year in one situationship or another, without even realising there was such a thing.
The Longshot, was really nothing more than a headf*ck and the three month gap allowed the rose tinted spectacles to come off and see him warts and all. The situationship which started with an abundance of connectivity was well and truly done. The only relationship that was remaining was one of mutual respect. All I could now see was someone who was great at what they did but wasn’t for me emotionally.
As for the Big Spoon, well I’m not really sure where that situationship is going to net out. What appeared to be a very open relationship actually became pretty complicated overnight fuelled by a misunderstanding that it appears we can’t overcome. In the here and now, we’ll give this the label of friendship, and in next week’s article we’ll explore how something so simple can get lost in translation between two people who communicated so well together and how I hope my experience can help you avoid these pitfalls going forward.
For now, I’ll leave you with this thought. Life is full of knocks and falls, which we cover with plasters until they’ve healed. The heart is a little more fragile, covering it with a plaster doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to heal. There are only so many times you can plaster over a heart ruined by hope before it screams out for oxygen.
Situationships never end well, especially if you don’t realise you’re in one, or have created a ‘situation’ that has led to one. If you aren’t careful, the thoughts will plague your mind, wondering how you ended up there. For now, I will happily let my hat collect a little dust and focus on fulfilling the other pleasures in my life while I ready myself to become interested again. Fifty isn’t that far away, it’s time to check off a few things on that bucket list🥂.
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