Game, set & match Mr Emotionally Available.
“Never open up a person’s heart with no intention of catching them when they fall in love with you. If you’re not ready to step up to the plate, take your hands off another person’s future.”
Cody Bret
In this bustling city, where the air is filled with the hum of taxis, the chatter of the crowds, and the ever-present promise of romance lingering in the air like an evocative perfume, we’ve become accustomed to the monotony of swiping left and right. Ladies & gents, welcome to the modern dating scene, where swiping, multi dating, instant gratification, unrealistic expectations and over inflated egos has become as common as sipping on a gin and tonic.
Once upon a time my dating life could be likened to the movie Groundhog Day – it felt like I was doing the same thing, week in, week out, with quelle surprise, the same result. When I stepped away I realised that over the last year there was something I had started to notice – despite the men looking somewhat different on the outside they were exactly the same on the inside. They all looked like they had their sh*t together, but when you scratched the surface, they were all emotionally unavailable (thankfully I broke that pattern with the last one I met, but we’ll save that story for another day 😉).
For my sins, over the last two decades I’ve sashayed through many highs and lows of the dating world. Taking on romance like a seasoned pro. Yet It’s taken me the best part of my forties to learn a thing or two about the importance of emotional readiness in matters of the heart. So, let me just grab my favourite heels and let me take you on a walk through the complicated streets of love.
FIRST STOP: MR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS @ THINKS TOO MUCH OF HIMSELF STREET
In the real world, this man wouldn’t stand a chance with most women, in the digital world he thinks he’s an Adonis. Online dating has given him a false sense of worth, the man who wouldn’t approach a woman in a bar for fear of rejection, all of a sudden is like a kid in a sweet shop. He not only thinks he’s better looking than he is, but now thinks he has so much more to offer a woman than he actually has (sorry Mr Unrealistic Expectations, you really are a 3-4 with little prospect). This man thinks he should be with a 6-7 (good luck Mr Delusional) and as a result can’t settle with one woman.
SECOND STOP: MR MULTIDATER @ LET’S PLAY THE GAME AVENUE
Now he’s one of my favourites, he makes all the right noises and goes through his dating life rather formulaically. Making and breaking connections is second nature to him, because he never focuses on one woman long enough to form a genuine connection. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to step out of his box and switch lanes. And God forbid you try and nudge him outside of his comfort zone, he’ll be straight onto the next one in line. This delightful man has also got a series of women lined up to date, just in case the 3-4 on rotation upset his organised life.
THIRD STOP: MR SERIAL SWIPER @ GENUINELY NOT INTERESTED IN MEETING SOMEBODY ROAD
Ladies if you ever have the misfortune of meeting this guy, run, run as fast as your well-heeled legs will allow. He’s a serious head f*ck. He’ll pursue you and as soon as he meets you and you show him any form of interest he’ll ghost you. This guy is not really interested in finding anyone, he just likes to have his ego stroked by the women who agree to go on a date with him. He’s a true energy vampire and will suck all the joy out of dating and genuinely finding your someone.
THE FINAL STOP: MR EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE @ I LOOK LIKE I HAVE MY SH*T TOGETHER STREET
Now this one, he’s a hard one to recognise, he’s like a chameleon. You could be fooled into thinking he’s got his s**t figured out, I mean he’s lived life, he’s accomplished, polished and can hold a conversation. Don’t believe the hype. The reason he’s still single is because he hasn’t done nearly enough work on himself. He dates the same type of girl ‘Ms Gold Digger who cares more about his money than time’. He’ll tell you he can’t understand why his previous relationships didn’t work, but he won’t acknowledge that maybe, just maybe he’s the problem, after all he is the common denominator.
If I was going to make a movie about online dating, I’d be able to cast these characters with ease as they all have one thing in common… They’re all emotionally unavailable. Why? Because none of them have truly faced their demons and until they do, they’ll bever really be emotionally available to you. Save yourself the hours spent doing your makeup, figuring out what to wear and turning up open and available, they’re an open and shut cause. This is how the story will play out.
You don your best outfit, slip on your high heels and your favourite lipstick, ready to sparkle. You turn up to your date, after having engaged in some delightful conversation with the person you are going to meet, You‘re set to have a great night, yet it seems like the person sitting opposite you seems to have forgotten his lines. Gone is the flirtatious banter you exchanged via text. Instead, the man sitting opposite you seems somewhat muted, dull even. You’re left wondering what went wrong. What did you miss?
I’ll tell you what you missed; you missed some vital pieces of the jigsaw and you let your imagination run wild. For one second let’s imagine the person sitting opposite you is a beautifully crafted puzzle, each piece representing a piece of his emotional landscape. Now, ask yourself, are all the pieces in place? Or are there lingering shadows from past heartaches that need to be addressed? You see until someone is able to embrace their vulnerabilities with open arms, diving into the dating scene feels more like a plunge into icy waters than a warm embrace. They haven’t taken the time to nurture their heart, to mend the wounds of yesteryear, so how can you expect they will nurture you?
We often underestimate the importance of being truly prepared for the adventure that is love. It’s like preparing for a marathon without so much as lacing up your sneakers – you’ve failed at the first hurdle. So, before we RSVP to the dating game, we need to ask ourselves: Am I ready to invest the time, energy, and emotional bandwidth required for a healthy and fulfilling relationship?
Being ready isn’t just about having your ducks in a row – it’s about being open to the infinite possibilities that love has to offer. It’s about being willing to let go of the safety net of solitude and embrace the exhilarating uncertainty of connection. It’s not just men that find themselves emotionally unavailable there are plenty of women who also enter the dating game, having not addressed the baggage that has held them back. So, how do we become emotionally available and ready for love?
- EMBRACE SELF-REFLECTION: Take the time to understand your emotional landscape. What are your triggers? What patterns have you noticed in your past relationships? What unresolved issues do you need to address?
- HEAL PAST WOUNDS: Emotional availability requires a clean slate. This means addressing the pain of past relationships (that can mean family and partners) and working through any lingering emotions. Closure doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting, but rather understanding and moving forward with a sense of peace.
- CULTIVATE SELF-LOVE: Before you can love someone else, you must first love yourself. This means embracing your flaws, celebrating your strengths, and nurturing your own well-being. When you cultivate self-love, you set a standard for how you deserve to be treated in a relationship.
- DEVELOP EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE: Life is full of challenges, and relationships are no exception. Building emotional resilience means developing the ability to navigate difficulties with grace and strength. It’s about learning to stay grounded in the face of adversity and to bounce back from setbacks.
- PRACTICE VULNERABILITY: True connection requires vulnerability. It’s about being open and honest about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable. Practice sharing your thoughts and emotions with trusted friends and family, and gradually extend this openness to your romantic relationships.
- SET BOUNDARIES: Being emotionally available doesn’t mean being a doormat. It’s important to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships. This means knowing your limits, communicating them clearly, and respecting the boundaries of others.
- SEEK SUPPORT: You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Seek out the support of friends, family, or a therapist. Sometimes, an outside perspective can provide valuable insights and guidance.
Where does that leave us? Well, what’s the rush? Rushing into romance before you’re truly ready is like trying to bake a soufflé without a recipe – a recipe for disaster. There’s a beauty in waiting. There’s wisdom to be gleaned from the quiet reflective moments, where you hear the whispers of your own intuition. So, take your time, enjoy the journey, knowing that when the time is right, love will find its way to your doorstep.
Until the day comes when you’re able to say with unwavering certainty, “I am emotionally available and ready for love” take a step back. True love is not a race; it’s a marathon. And like any great runner, you owe it to yourself to train, to prepare, and to approach the starting line with confidence and grace. When you’re able to stand tall in your emotional truth, the right person will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. The heart is a delicate instrument, one that requires careful tuning and calibration. Take a deep breath, savour the sweetness of solitude, and know that the best is yet to come. ♥️
