Grandmothers, hold our hands for a while, but our hearts forever.
“Remembering you is easy, I do it every day. But missing you is a heartache that never goes away.”
Unknown
I can’t believe it’s been twenty years since you left us, but in truth I still see you every day. I hear your words; I smell your smell and feel your warmth. It doesn’t matter that you are no longer here, for me you will always be with me, for you are part of me and I you.
I am thankful each and every day to have been raised by you. You gave us all more love than we thought possible. You taught us to stand up for what we believed in and for those we love. Important life lessons that I have carried and will for the rest of my life. In my eyes you could never do wrong, even though we both know you weren’t all sugar but definitely peppered with spice.
You never once complained, even when you had to share your bed with so many of us. Yes, I know there were 2 large beds but all 6 of us wanted to sleep with you. Your warmth was Irresistible and lying next to you it felt like nothing could harm us. But like any grandparent you weren’t just a shield, you were also a sword, if someone wronged you or someone you loved, God help them.
Let’s not forget your scathing sarcasm, there was never any doubt, that I would inherit this from you 🙈. Your laughter would light up any room, with cheekbones that could cut glass. You never once questioned anything we asked of you. Your love was unconditional, and, in your eyes, we could do no wrong. Even when we made you drink that glass of wine you hated so much, you gladly drank it because we told you it was good for you. If you were here now, I’d tell you that it was good for you, but in truth we just loved seeing your face when you took the first sip, I know that was mean but it still makes me smile thinking about it now.
I’m also sorry that at times I didn’t fully understand the words I was using. I know you always saw the funny side. But if I knew then what I know now I’d tell my 5-year-old self a little bit about herself. I mean who says to their grandmother ‘when she’s dead she’d make her a cup of tea’. My almost 50 year old self would give anything to make you that cup of tea 🥲.
But none of this mattered to you, all you cared about was being able to spend as much time with us as you possibly could. And that’s the beauty of being a grandparent, they’re everything a parent should be and more, they’ve had years and years of practice and their love is like no other and that love is irreplaceable. Your grandmother will make you feel like she’s been waiting to see you all day and now that she has, her day is complete. She’ll spoil you in a way no one else does, why? because no one will dare spank grandma 😂.
As adults, my sisters and I would have many conversations about how we’d raise our children, hoping beyond hope that if we ever had children, the love they had for their grandparents would match the one we had for ours. Thankfully when I look at my niece and nephews, I see that it is. I see the doting look in my parents’ eyes and realise I’ve seen that look before, only that time I was on the receiving end of it. An unadulterated love, that knew no limits. A desire to give your grandchild everything their parents don’t / won’t, including their undivided attention. Eye’s that light up with pride whenever we did the smallest of things. What a beautifully uncomplicated love that is.
I often feel sorry for those who have never experienced the love of a grandparent, but then I guess you can’t miss something you’ve never had. Instead, I realise I’ve replaced that pity with envy for those that still have it in their lives. Every time I find myself at a wedding, I feel this inexplicable pain when I see either bride or groom lucky enough to have a grandparent with them. The tears aren’t voluntary but it’s hard to fight them, I don’t know why but I always thought you would always be there during the monumental times in my life.
And nothing angers me more than seeing a grandchild neglect or mistreat their grandparents or a parent not allowing their parents to form or maintain a relationship with the grandchildren. They’re not only doing their child a disservice but their parents too and no matter what your relationship history is with your parents, you should never try and stifle this bond. It’s beneficial for so many reasons.
GRANDPARENTS MAKE THE BEST TEACHERS.
Their teaching style is not that of a traditional teacher, it’s much more practical, hands on even. You learn on the job, because they want to teach you in a way that makes memories. My grandmother made the most amazing white barfi, and she would always let us help. Once cooked she’d put it in a tray for me and tell me to even it out with a steel bowl, while it was still warm. She always knew that as I was patting it down, I’d also be siphoning off a little, I couldn’t help it 🤷🏽♀️, it tasted so God damn good. She’d have her back to me and smile, pretend to tell me off and just let me continue eating it. If only I concentrated harder on how she made it, so that when I missed her I’d be able to do something that made me feel close to her again.
THEY’RE LIKE YOUR FAVOURITE COMFORT FOOD.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, when you’re ill you turn into that small child again. You want to feel soothed, and no one soothes better than a grandparent. My great grandfather had this thing whenever any of us had a cough. He’d make us a brandy with hot water and honey. One for him and one for me. I loved it, it always made me feel so much better (it also may have contributed to my love of alcohol but that’s a whole other story, lol). And now my dad does the same with my nieces and nephews, they too love it.
THEY WRAP YOU UP LIKE A WARM BLANKET.
A blanket of endless love. Parents have the day-to-day struggle of parenting you. They get tired, they’re grumpy and can have a really short fuse with you. Your grandparents on the other hand, will swoop in, embracing you in the warmest of hugs and making it feel like it’s all going to be ok. Looking back, god I was a handful as a child, I’d regularly open the back door and just run off, when there was silence, my mum knew I was up to no good. The ridge on my nose from the constant smack downs was proof enough (the handful of rings she wore didn’t help) but when my grandmother came home she’d just come and sit next to me, enveloping me in her warmth. All was well in my world again.
THEY’RE THE PERFECT CALM IN ANY STORM.
Grandparents aren’t there to discipline you, that’s a parents job. They will listen to you without judgement but objectively see both sides. They’ll reason with you in a way that doesn’t feel like they’re bullying you and they’re able to talk to your parents with an authority only they have. Growing up my mum always told me to change my clothes after school. One day after school, I found two beautiful, new dresses in the wardrobe; taking my mum’s request at face value I changed into one of those gorgeous dresses and skipped downstairs, excited. Only to be greeted by screams from my mum about what a silly girl I was, lol. She ordered me to go upstairs and change. I screamed at her; yelling how much I hated her; shouting she wasn’t my mum. I turned on my heels and stormed upstairs, locked the bedroom door, threatening not to come out. It was only when my grandmother came home that I calmed down, obviously she saw nothing wrong with me wearing my new dress and understood why I thought my mum was being unreasonable 😃.
THEY’RE THE KEEPER OF TRADITION & KNOWLEDGE.
I still remember the routine. It’s 4pm, we run upstairs to my great grandfather’s room and plonk ourselves down on the floor, 5 happy faces, waiting with abated breath to hear the latest story from my great grandfather. For Mr Surjan Singh was a raconteur of the highest order. No one told stories like him. He would captivate you from the very first word and you couldn’t wait for him to get to the end. For his stories were always steeped in truth and history of the life he had before he came to the UK, a life none of his great grandchildren would ever get to experience but he was determined we would live it through him.
If all this is not reason enough to facilitate the grandparent / grandchild bond. Grandchildren also help their grandparents grow.
GRANDCHILDREN BRING GRANDPARENTS INTO THE 21ST CENTURY.
Children like to feel needed, and they can teach their grandparents lots of things. My niece and nephew literally have taught my dad everything he knows about how to use his phone and every social media channel going (not sure how clever that was).
GRANDCHILDREN ARE A SECOND CHANCE.
The universe doesn’t hand out second chances willy nilly. Parenting is never easy. Being a grandparent gives them a do over. A chance to change things, things they would have gone back and done differently with their children, had they known the things they know now. Growing up in an Asian household words of love were never forthcoming, we never heard ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’ but every time my niece and nephews accomplish anything it just flows out. This is their do over.
IT INCREASES LIFE EXPECTANCY.
We take for granted those we love will be here forever, but forever comes quicker than you think and in the blink of an eye they’re gone. We all want our grandparents to live forever, and it turns out spending time with grandchildren lowers their mortality rate by 37%. If you don’t have a grandparent living with you why not plan a date night and drop the kids at your parents’ house? Consider it your good deed of the day.
If you’re lucky enough to still have grandparents, visit them, cherish them, celebrate them and just enjoy your time with them while you can. Make sweet memories that will last forever.
To my baba, badimama and dadi, we will always cherish the time we had together. You each played a different role in our lives, but together you gave us more than we could ever have asked for or expected. I hope when you look down upon us, which I know you do all the time, it’s with pride that we’re carrying on your legacy. If there’s one thing I want you to know, it’s we miss you each and every day. Your love in our life is irreplaceable.
🥹🥲