One thing they can never be again is a stranger.
“Sometimes walking away has nothing do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realise our worth and value, but because we finally realise our own”
Robert Tew
If you think I’m coming back, don’t hold your breath. I’m never coming back. Even in the rare moments of weakness when all I remember is the good, I force myself to remember why I walked away in the first place. And I’ll carry on walking, as far away from you as I can and as close to whoever you are that I can possibly get.
Yes, I know, to me you are familiar, like my favourite perfume, no matter how hard I try I can recognise your scent anywhere. But here’s the thing, there was once a time I loved a scent more than I loved yours. At the time I didn’t think I’d ever love another more, but then I discovered that there was another that suited me better. Thankfully, my desire for you wore off.
We’d by lying if we said that we didn’t all have that one ex that just lingers, always on the periphery we call life. They’ve been with you through thick and thin. You’ve probably experienced many firsts with them, whether that be your first kiss, orgasm or fight. They’ve seen you at your best and at your absolute worst. They’ve played many roles in your life; Friend; Lover; Advisor; Confidante; Provider; Shoulder to cry on; Arch enemy – the list is endless. The only thing you can guarantee is they’ll never play the part of stranger again.
You walked away from them for good reason, and you didn’t take the decision lightly. Some part of you just knew the time was right and whatever their purpose was in your life, they’d fulfilled it. Your journey had come to an end. Yes, you could have stayed in your comfort zone, never really experiencing anything better but you grew up and realised the time had come for you to take everything you’d learnt and move forward.
But this doesn’t stop you from reminiscing nor on the occasion pining after a time in your life, less complicated. This doesn’t mean you’re not over the person, nor that you’re not ready to move on. Quite the opposite. It takes great strength to accept the part an ex has played in your life and to accept they may have been your Mr/Mrs Right Now, but they were not your Mr/Mrs Right Forever.
It’s perfectly natural to want to keep an ex in your life. However, if you are still in love with him/her and trying to be friends with them, you’re playing with fire. The only person who will get hurt here is you. You’re pretending you’re ok with them moving on or maybe you’ve found someone else, but the truth is a small part of you is secretly hoping you will get back together. It’s a slippery slope my friend.
Having said that I am still friends with many of my exes (not that there have been 100’s), but never the ones who I had intense feelings for, I tried that once, it didn’t end well for one of us. Even the strongest of characters can experience moments of weakness and before you know it you’ve undone years of work. I’d never do that to myself. My advice if you still want to maintain a friendship with your ex is this…
Set clear boundaries.
Be clear about your feelings. It’s ok to express your fondness for your ex as a person but make it very clear you do not, nor will you ever feel more than friendship towards them. Ensure this is reciprocal, if one of you still carries a torch for the other, the friendship will never work. Let the person walk away with their dignity and heart intact. If you do decide to maintain a friendship set some clear boundaries. For example, is talking about your love lives off limits? Regularly check in on the rules as feelings can change on either side, at any given time.
Hear what they’re not saying.
I’m a firm believer in watching how someone behaves towards you versus what they say to you. Talk is indeed cheap. Remember your ex knows how to push all your buttons. Whereas you may not be the person you were a year ago, they will always have a hold over you. If they’re telling you they’re sorry for how things ended, they miss you and want to be friends, chances are it’s the truth.
However, pay close attention to the non-verbal cues
– The way they hold your gaze
– Do they brush your arm for a second too long?
– Do they still act possessive when another pays you a compliment?
All this is showing you is whereas as the first two statements are true, the last one is a lie. They still find you attractive but think a friendship is a steppingstone to getting you back.
Leave the past behind you.
Whatever happened in your relationship was then, stop bringing it up. If you haven’t closed the door yet and have questions, ask them once and for all and then vow never to bring it up again – put in in a box and throw away the key. The only way you can move your relationship on to a genuine friendship is by gaining closure. You can’t be friends with an ex if there are unresolved feelings.
Give yourself permission to have the odd lapse.
Now I don’t condone this, but I do understand – just like a recovering alcoholic who craves a drink after decades of sobriety, you can still be drawn to an old lover, years after you last saw them. The familiarity of their touch, their scent, the way they looked at you can be overwhelming and on the odd occasion it’s ok to remind yourself how it felt. But please don’t act on it. Leave the past where it belongs, behind you. Don’t look back when you know you shouldn’t.
It’s easy to get stuck in the past but don’t let an ex hold you back. Accept the part you played in the failure of your relationship (yes, no matter how aggrieved you feel, you did play a part) and learn the valuable lessons it taught you. With each relationship you should grow into a better version of yourself.
At the time we’ll feel disappointment that things didn’t work out, I mean you’ve never wanted something so bad, right? Wrong. Every disappointment we encounter is a higher power helping us back onto the path and destination that is truly meant to be ours.
Eventually we’ll all find our way there and when we do, we’ll wonder what all the fuss that came before was about.
Suki, Suki, Suki. i can’t tell you the amount of times i’ve wanted to go back to an ex. usually the ones that treated me like crap. Maybe i just wanted to prove to myself that i could make it work 💁♀️