I’m all alone, but that doesn’t make me lonely.
“Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.”
Unknown
As someone who has spent many nights alone, I know the feeling of loneliness all too well. But with time I’ve also come to understand that being alone doesn’t automatically equate to being lonely. In fact, there are times when I love nothing more than spending time with myself.
As humans, we often confuse being by ourselves and the feeling of being lonely, when the two are intrinsically different. Put simply, being alone is nothing more than a physical state. It’s what we are when we’re not around other people. Whereas being lonely is much more of an emotional state, where there’s a sense of sadness that we are not connected to anyone.
During my thirties and early forties I often confused the two, choosing partners that I wouldn’t ordinarily consider because I thought I felt alone, but in reality I was never alone, I was always surrounded by people. What I was actually feeling was lonely, because I didn’t have that special someone in my life that I felt a connection with. However, when we confuse the two, what actually happens is we make bad choices. Choices from a place of weakness, where we allow people into our life who we’ll inevitably end up hurting once the loneliness subsides.
Many of us think that it’s being alone that makes us lonely, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is nothing lonelier than being with someone but still feeling alone. Yet so many of us choose to stay in relationships that bring us nothing but loneliness. I often question why?
- WE HAVE A BUILT IN NEED TO MAKE CONNECTIONS
For our sins we’re inherently social creatures, even those of who think they don’t actually like people. We underestimate the importance of forming connections with others and what it does for our mental wellbeing. When we feel alone, we struggle with this deep feeling of emptiness inside, automatically thinking we’re lacking love in our lives, which if we’re honest, we are. But it’s not the love of another we’re missing, it’s the love we should have for ourselves. - WE DON’T FEEL WORTHY
Many of us have this feeling deep within us that we’ll never quite be enough. Because of this we’ll never find the love of someone who is truly worthy of it. Instead, we make do with whatever comes our way. We know the person who we are with isn’t who we want, they’re not right for us, but we don’t value ourselves enough to believe we deserve more. We compromise our needs and desires because we’re scared of being alone or worst dying alone. I accepted a long time ago that I may never find my person, but I sure as hell won’t compromise what’s important to me. I would rather be alone. - WE FEAR BEING ALONE
Just because you are flying solo, doesn’t mean you are lonely, in fact being single doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely. A confident, content person knows that flying solo can be a liberating. It’s about changing the narrative and shifting your perspective. Instead of focusing on the negative, how about focusing on the positives being single gives you:- The time and freedom to truly discover yourself. Answering questions like; What are your interests and passions? What are your immediate and long-term goals? And probably the most important, what really makes you happy?
- The space to cultivate meaningful connections with your friends and family. When you’re not tied down to a romantic partner, you tend to focus more on the people that are around you – your amazing support network.
- The chance to become independent and learning to rely on yourself. Becoming self-sufficient will also mean you’ll be in a better place when someone does eventually walk into your life. You’ll see them for who they are, not for who you think they are.
- WE PUT EVERYONE ELSE’S BEFORE OURSELF
Most of us are people pleasers, so it doesn’t matter if we’re not happy as long as we’re not upsetting the other person. But at what point do you realise pleasing the other person is actually causing you unhappiness? Truth is deep down you know, but you have an inherent need to be needed, it makes you feel wanted and we all think that translates into never feeling alone. But anyone who has every stepped back from a relationship where you are the pleaser, knows it’s not fulfilling and can be very lonely. - WE FORGET OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELVES IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
When you truly love and accept yourself, you become a force to be reckoned with – a magnet that radiates an undeniable energy that draws the right people towards you. However, self-love is something most of us struggle with. Society has taught us celebrating our own wonder is somewhat conceited and braggadocious. But who says we shouldn’t celebrate our strengths and wins? no matter how small they may seem. Why is it we never think twice about doing something for someone else, but we never extend the same courtesy to ourselves? It’s time we were as kind to ourselves as we are to others and embraced the quirks that make us so God damn flawesome.
I kick myself when I think back to how lonely I felt in some of my past relationships. What an absolute idiot I was for staying far longer than I intended. However donning my silver lined hat, I’m thankful for everything it has taught me about myself. How resilient I am. How quickly I can now see the signs. How I’m strong enough to walk away. But most importantly, how happy I can be on my own, without that feeling of loneliness.
I’m now thriving not just surviving on my own, in the most beautiful and empowering way. I’ve created a life that is built on my goals and passions, and I know if this was my life forever, I could survive, because I can look after myself and I have friends and family around that will always be by my side should I need them.
Does all of this mean I never get lonely. Of course, it doesn’t, I’m only human and I crave human connection just as much as the next person. The only difference now is, whereas before when I felt lonely, I made some foolish choices in life (what was I thinking), I now embrace the feeling and when I feel lonely I reach out to those that matter in my life and spend it with them.
When I’m alone, but not feeling lonely, I savour the solitude and spend quality time with myself, just me and my thoughts, listening to what that inner voice is telling me. Maybe if more of us spent more time recharging, reflecting, and reconnecting with ourselves on a deeper level we’d be in a better position to understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. So go ahead, indulge in some alone time, and watch as you grow and thrive in ways you never thought possible. Let’s stop fearing being alone.
Ouch, that hit deep Suki. It’s been a while since i managed to read your articles, I forgot how raw your writing it. I too have confused the two emotions many times. Not sure I can say it will be the last time 🙁