There are no bad dates, only great brunch stories.
What is the point of bad dates if not to have amusing anecdotes to share with your friends?
Gabrielle Zevin.
The other day I was talking to a guy I was once seeing, my Mr Falls Too Fast, about his dating experiences pre and post me. Our conversation sounded something like the Top Trumps of dating experiences.
I tried my level hardest not to laugh, you couldn’t make this s**t up if you tried. Once I’d wiped away the tears and stopped myself laughing so hard, I thought I’d wet myself I said to him ‘Piero people need to hear these stories, do you mind if I write about them?’ With his permission, sit back and enjoy the laugh at our expense. You can decide which one of us drew the short straw.
#1 The Wildcat. His story – she initiates contact.
Her: Hi.
Him: Hi.
Her: I want to be honest; I’m not looking for anyone. I don’t go on dates and I’m not into dirty talking.
Him: Sorry, can I ask what you are doing here? You do know this is a dating site?
Her: I am not looking for anything. Full Stop.
Him: Typing……
Wildcat has blocked you.
#2 The Slave. My story – he contacts me.
Him: I think you’re sexy, I want to be your slave.
Me: Ummmm, thanks but my slave quota is full.
Him: I’ll do anything you want.
Me: Oh, now you’re talking my language. Well, my house does need cleaning, when can you start?
Him: That’s not the type of slave I had in mind.
Me: I’m afraid that’s the only type of slave I’m looking for.
The Slave has exited this chat.
#3 The BNP Member. His story – she gives him her number, he calls.
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi, who are you?
Him: It’s Piero from POF.
Her: I see, if I’d known you weren’t English, I’d never have given you my number.
Him: Well, my name should have given it away. How many English Piero’s do you know?
Her: You are a disgusting b**tard, preying on lonely women, wanting nothing more than a British passport & money.
Him: What? I have a European and American passport, and a settled status in the UK. What the hell are you talking about?
Her: You are a rude f**king ar**hole. Don’t bother me again.
BNP Member has reported you and blocked you.
#4 Mr Foot Fetish. My story – he contacts me.
Him: I’m looking for an Asian Goddess for foot play.
Me: Well, I’m not really sure where you’re going to find one of those.
Him: Clearly undeterred. Do you have nice feet?
Me: No. They’re crusty, with corns, callouses and bunions (this is certainly not true).
Him: I think we can work around that.
Me: The bunions sometimes leak, and I have toe jam too. Does that excite you?
Mr Foot Fetish has blocked you 🙂
#5 The Kangaroo. His story – he initiates contact.
Him: Hi, how are you?
Her: Hi, how tall are you?
Him: 5ft10.
Her: Sorry, you’re too short for me.
Him: May I ask how tall you are?
Her: 4ft7.
Him: Aah ok. I understand. In bed we’re all one height but clearly you like to jump.
Kangaroo has blocked you.
#6 Knickerbocker Glory. My story – he contacts me.
Him: I’ll give you £5 for your underwear.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Ok £25.
Me: I don’t think so. Thankfully,I don’t hear from him for the rest of the day… The next day.
Him: I thought about your offer, and I’ll give you £75 for them, as long as you’ve been wearing them for at least a week.
Me: Ok firstly, my offer??? Did I make you an offer??? Secondly who wears the same underwear for a whole week? You have serious issues; I think you need help.
Him: Fine. £100, that’s my last offer.
You have blocked Knickerbocker Glory, right after you took a screenshot of the conversation to show your friends.
#7 Miss Indecisive. His story – they’d been talking for some time.
Her: Can we meet today?
Him: Sure, how about 6pm?
Her: Sounds great.
6.05: He’s there waiting.
6.20: He’s still waiting.
6.30: surprise surprise, he’s still waiting.
6.40: A text arrives from her sorry I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to meet.
Him: Do you want to reschedule?
Her: No.
Miss Indecisive has blocked you.
#8 Mr God’s Gift to Women. My story – he initiates contact.
I walk into this dating event, thankfully already fuelled with alcohol, and make a beeline for the bar. I need another drink If I’m going to get through this. I turn around and hello, what do we have here, 6ft3, well dressed, clearly works out, maybe this night isn’t going to be so bad after all.
Him: Hi I’m Billy (we’ll call him that for now, i’d be surprised if he has any mates) 44, divorced, no kids, own my own house and a thriving motor business.
Me: Wow, that was quite some introduction. He’s just staring at me expectantly. Yes?
Him: I’m waiting for you to introduce yourself.
Me: Oh right. Well, would you like me to introduce myself in the same way? if so, I’m Suki, 40, never married, no kids, quite a few skeletons buried under my patio, but don’t worry they were the ones that really p**sed me off, you’re safe. Oh, the look on his face, it was priceless.
Him: Um oh, um well.
Me: Relax it was a joke (no sense of humour this one, clearly we’re not going to get along) So your car business, what kind of cars?
Him. The really expensive kind that most people can’t afford.
Me: Oh, you mean supercars? Impressive.
Him: Shocked. You know what a supercar is?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realise I needed to leave my brain at home and wear my stupid hat tonight.
Him: He just smiles, not hearing the sarcasm clearly dripping from my voice. A short while later after behaving like an absolute plonker to the barman, he turns around and says Can you believe that? what an absolute d**k.
Me: Just so I don’t get it wrong who exactly are we talking about?
Him: The barman of course.
Me: See, I would have got that wrong, I thought you were referring to yourself. I spin around and walk off, this is going nowhere fast.
Him: To the barman, where did she go? We were getting along so well.
The barman: No mate I really don’t think you were.
I make a speedy getaway from Mr God’s Gift to Women, unfortunately not in a supercar.
And for the final story, his not mine, I hate to lose or admit defeat but, I’m pained to concede Mr Falls Too Fast definitely trumps me with this last one.
#The Psycho Indian Princess Story. His story – they’ve been messaging for some time.
Her: Can we talk on the phone? I’ll call you.
Him: OK, sure, here’s my number. 5 minutes pass and the phone rings. I pick up.
Her: Hello.
Him: Hello. It’s P…. The phone goes dead. I call back. Sorry I think the line went dead; your reception might be bad..
Her: No it isn’t, you don’t have British accent.
Him: Obviously. I am Italian. I’ve been in England for the last 5 years. Is that a problem? you have a strong Indian accent too.
Her: How dare you. You are f**ing b**tard. I raised here, don’t call me anymore!
Him: But you called me!
Phone goes dead, I block her profile and her number. Three days pass and my phone rings.
Police: Good morning, Mr Rossi, this is the police calling from Chigwell station, we received a complaint from a lady that somebody has been stalking her from this number.
Him: Good morning, Officer, but there must be some mistake, I really don’t know what you are you talking about. Can you tell me who this person is that has registered a complaint against me?
Police: I’m afraid we’re not at liberty to tell you that Sir, but we are calling from Chigwell station to follow up on the complaint.
Him: At that point I knew who it was that had complained. Sorry officer, but I’m not stalking anyone, I didn’t even call this lady, she called me and then sent me abusive messages. I can show you proof of the calls and all the messages she sent me daily.
Police: it’s ok Sir, that won’t be necessary, we already know about this lady. We only called to ask you not to answer the calls and to cease all communication with her.
Him: There is no need to ask officer. I already blocked her number.
Police: Thank you and sorry for disturbing you. Have a nice day.
Thankfully, The Psycho Indian Princess is probably off stalking someone else.
These are just some of our dating disasters, if you enjoyed reading them do let me know and I’ll happily write another article about it. But now that I’ve shared some of mine with you, I’d love to hear some of yours. Sharing is caring.
The names have been changed to protect identities.
I really enjoyed the article, especially #2 The Slave!