First date etiquette. The male | female expectation.
“Everybody knows the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit. Hunting for ways to be engaging. Dissecting each detail when it’s over to check for mistakes. Dating can make even the most confident person lose their cool.”
Kelly Starling
If they handed out awards for going on the most first dates, I reckon I’d be in with a fighting chance of winning. When I first started dating. I loved the excitement of getting ready. Picking out an outfit (always centred around the shoes I wanted to wear 🙈); taking my time with my hair and makeup; making sure I was always on time. Not sure if it’s a combination of getting older, going on more first dates than is healthy or just not caring as much anymore, but it’s made me somewhat despondent, some would argue even a little jaded.
Disappointingly, long gone are the days of chivalry, the excitement of getting to know someone’s quirks and flirting outrageously. We’ve entered the era of emotionless, robotic dating, where we just go through the motions. Why do we still entertain this way of dating? Because thankfully, somewhere deep down we haven’t lost hope. I would however, like to say, If Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, then the inventors of dating apps, are definitely from Uranus 🤣.
Last week I was talking to one of my closest male friends, having yet another conversation about the lacklustre world of dating. I heard his woes; he listened to mine and for the first time in a while I realised something; even though how men and women think and behave is fundamentally different, our expectations really aren’t all that different. However, we’ve become so digitally acclimatised, that we’ve forgotten how to date in the real world. So, we got our heads together to go back to the basics.
It’s a naive man, that doesn’t realise the chances of a woman swiping on him are far slimmer than a woman’s chance of getting a swipe. Ping… Wait what’s that? Oh, it’s a match, are you excited? Maybe. Why only maybe? I hear you ask. Because you know this is the start of the long, laborious message exchange; the same questions and the same conversation topics. Here we go again… yawn.
One gets through the net, we’ve exchanged messages and established neither of us is a psychopath (or if you are, you’ve hidden it pretty well). We quickly suggest exchanging numbers so we can hear each other’s voices (as a voiceist, this is really important, after all your voice could be the one I’m going to listen to for the rest of my life). We talk, hmmm as first conversations go that was great, there were no awkward silences and we got on pretty well. The next natural step would be to meet in person.
This is where it should be easy. This is where we should flourish. The first date should be easy, yet sometimes it feels more excruciatingly painful than having your wisdom tooth pulled out. There’s so much we can do to increase the chances of it going well, it’s time to go back to the basic do’s and don’ts from his perspective and hers. It’s really not rocket science.
- TURN UP ON TIME
HIS PERSPECTIVE: There is nothing worse than a woman who thinks it’s a woman’s prerogative to turn up late. Come on ladies, that’s just disrespectful. Your time isn’t more valuable than mine. If you are going to be late, you had better have a damn good excuse and a desire to make it up to me, starting off with the words, I’m sorry.
HER PERSPECTIVE: it took me over an hour to get ready, I want you to know that I am taking this seriously and this is what dating me will look like. Yes, I made an effort, as much for me as for you. But when you leave me sitting at the bar, alone, with a drink in my hand, like a live rendition of some lonely hearts column it won’t bode well for you. And the excuse ‘Well women are always late, so I thought you wouldn’t be on time’ doesn’t wash either. - DRESS FOR THE OCCASION
HIS PERSPECTIVE: I’m noticing more and more that women just don’t bother making an effort anymore. One date turned up as what can only be described as a homeless bag lady – ill fitting clothes that did nothing for her, and not a stitch of makeup. All I wanted to say to her was ‘did you forget you were on a date?’ Ladies it won’t kill you to put on a pair of heels and a dress. Men are visual beings. I’m not asking you to put everything you’ve got on display but give me a snippet of what dating you will look like. Peak my excitement.
HER PERSPECTIVE: When a man turns up to a date like he’s dressed for a football match, he really should turn back around and find a match to go to. I recently turned up to a date, where the man turned up in an un-ironed, possibly unwashed t-shirt and a bum bag (yes you read that right, a bum bag) For a split second I thought Arnold Schwarzenegger had entered the building. He’d already sealed his fate before he even got the chance to say hello. Not only was it a firm no from me, but it would also be a story I would later replay for many a friend. - UNDERSTAND THE MASCULINE FEMININE BALANCE.
HIS PERSPECTIVE: When I start talking to a woman I always take the lead. I’ll initiate conversation; I’ll plan the date; always somewhere mutually convenient, where we can sit down and have a great conversation, a real chance to get to know one another. By me leading I’m allowing her to relax into her feminine energy and show me who she really is. So when I hear her boast about how successful she is; what car she drives; how educated she is and how many times a week she goes out to eat, I just tune out. I came to get to know you, not to hear you reel off a list of your accomplishments.
HER PERSPECTIVE: When I first start talking to a man, I can get a feel for what he’s about pretty quickly. But I still step back and let him show me his true colours. When he suggests meeting up, I agree but always wait for him to suggest where and when. This allows me to see what kind of many he really is. When he’s not forthcoming it forces me back into my masculine energy and desert my feminine side. If you want me to submit to you, you’re going to have to show me you can handle it and that you really can wear the pants in this relationship. Yes, I’m looking for someone considerate, but I’m looking for a man not a mouse. - BE REAL
HIS PERSPECTIVE: I always know if the person sitting in front of me is worth a second date when I’m totally being myself, saying the silliest of things without fear of judgement. I’ve allowed her the space to relax and be herself, she in turn has done the same for me. Ladies, I’m asking nicely, please stop giving off this I’m a boss b*tch and I don’t need anyone vibe. Yes, I know you are highly capable, solvent and can do everything for yourself. It’s actually one of the things that attracted me to you in the first place. But, it begs the question, If you want to do all this yourself then why are you sitting here?
HER PERSPECTIVE: There is nothing more attractive than a man who shows you his true colours. He’s not pretending to be someone he is not. In fact, he’s so comfortable in his own skin that he’s happy to tell you anything you want to know. He realises that if he’s truly going to steal your heart, he can’t start off from a place of deception and we love that about him. Please leave your representative at home, he’s neither welcome nor needed on this date. - BE OPEN, BUT NOT TOO OPEN
HIS PERSPECTIVE: I love that you feel comfortable enough to tell me that you are twice divorced, haven’t had much luck with men and quite frankly life hasn’t been good to you. However, you’re on a date, not in therapy. Giving me the headlines is one thing, giving me all the gory details is quite another. You say you are twice divorced; what I hear is, you didn’t learn from the first mistake. I love that you can be vulnerable but save the details until we meet the next time, if there’s a next time.
HER PERSPECTIVE: I make no secret of that fact that I like a man who is strong and carries himself well. It shows me that although I have enough strength for the both of us, if something were to happen, you’d be able to pick me up. But I also want you to know that I too have your back. I don’t expect you to be this way all the time. I want to know about your fears, your dreams, and aspirations. I get it, your ex was a cheating so and so. Show me you’ve come to terms with it and moved on, not that you are still angry about it. If you’ve got kids, show me how much they mean to you. I’m looking for well-rounded and a fine balance. A man that can be a protector but also has a caring side. It’s simple really. - BE HONEST
HIS PERSPECTIVE: I’m ready to meet someone. I’ve cleared the deck and will welcome the right person into it. I’m not interested in playing games, nor am I hiding a women at home from you. I’m on dating apps and until we get to know one another properly and decide to become exclusive, I will carry on going on dates with other women. If you ask me if I’m talking to someone else, I will answer truthfully. I have nothing to hide.
HER PERSPECTIVE: You can’t get along with everyone, nor is attraction always mutual. I believe in total transparency. If I’m attracted to you and have a desire to see you again, I will happily let you know. However if I’m not feeling a connection, I think it’s important to be upfront and honest. I don’t want to be rude and I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but I don’t want you to get your hopes up. Some would say I’m a completer finisher. As for me, I’ll tell you that I prefer to close doors so another can open. If we meet and you’re not feeling it, please don’t be a twat and ghost me. Pull on your big girl pants and just say it. I’m not fragile, I won’t break. - SHOW INTEREST
HIS PERSPECTIVE: If I’m interested in you, I will show you, from the way I look at you, to the way I behave around you, it could be the slight touch of my hand. But one thing’s for sure, you’ll know. I also look for these signs in you. Yes, I am the man, and as such I should lead, but please also try and reciprocate, unless of course you are not interested and looking to be friend zoned.
HER PERSPECTIVE: Those that know me, know that I am a shameless flirt, it comes as naturally to me as breathing. If I’m interested in you, I will let you know in no uncertain terms. I will create many opportunities for you to reciprocate and if you don’t, I will lose interest. The same way you are attracted to my feminine energy, I too am attracted to your masculine energy. Your inability to flirt back or show me your interest tells me that you are not masculine enough for me. Harsh I know, but true. - MATCH MY ENERGY
HIS PERSPECTIVE: We all have passions and interests. When you talk about yours, I love how your eyes light up, I see you come alive. Please don’t hide that side away. It can turn a nice date into a great date. I promise not to be dismissive, even if I don’t share the same passions. I too have several, and I can talk about them until the cows come home. Please don’t be dismissive of them and if you are, own your behaviour when I call you out on it.
HER PERSPECTIVE: If you know me, you know I am a ball of energy. You can feel my energy from a mile away and when I enter a room, you’ll know about it. I’m also attracted to this in a man, I’d love to feel your positive energy. I’m looking for a man whose glass is overflowing. Life may have given you some knocks, but you got up and dusted yourself down. Don’t come at me with your victim mentality, show me your strength. The warrior in you brings out the softer side of me. - PAY YOUR WAY
HIS PERSPECTIVE: Wherever we agree to meet, I will always pay first, that’s my job. But there is nothing more attractive than a woman that says ‘What would you like to drink?’. Yes I can provide for you but I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m nothing more than a cash machine or a free meal. I don’t expect you to pay, but it sure would be nice if you offered every now and then.
HER PERSPECTIVE: I’m old school, I believe a man should always pay on the first date. If you buy me a drink, I will happily buy the second round. If you invite me out to dinner and then say the words ‘let’s go Dutch’ you may as well move to Holland, because you’ve more chance of bumping into me on a random trip over there, than ever seeing me again. Not because I can’t pay for that meal, I can. However, you’ve indirectly shown me that you can’t even afford to buy me a drink or meal, so how are you going to look after me if we get together? No, I am not a gold digger, but financial stability is a must, I’m not looking to be the only provider in our relationship.
It seems so simple doesn’t it? So I’m left wondering why so few of us are actually doing these basic things? Ladies, dating doesn’t have to be difficult. Focus first on the visual. Put on something feminine, paint your nails, smell good and just be you. Never be afraid to show the other person who you are and tell them what you are looking for. Don’t wait to be chosen, be the chooser. Gents, stop being so lacklustre in your approach. You’re not at Yo Sushi, this is not a conveyer belt, so stop constantly looking to see what else is available. This one leg in, one leg out approach of yours isn’t going to get you very far. You will one day look back and realise the woman sitting opposite you was actually the best thing on the counter, but by then it will be too late.
Remember you get back what you put in and if you can’t be bothered, why should we? Everyone has options in life, try not to spread yourself so thin that you can’t truly get to know the person sitting opposite you. Always make the person sitting opposite you feel like they have your undivided attention, even if you are thinking about your date with Mr or Miss Y tomorrow night 😉
