The most painful goodbyes are felt in our hearts before our ears hear the words.
“I knew I had to leave, I was tired of feeling empty and forcing sleep to escape the pain of feeling unloved and unworthy. I was giving too much of myself and not receiving enough. I was depriving myself of happiness and not smiling enough. I was floating along with feelings but had to jump off with pride. Moving on for the better, ready for something better.”
Tene Edwards, Walk with Wings.
We don’t embark on relationships hoping they’ll fail, but that doesn’t mean they are always meant to last. Sometimes they are nothing more than a pitstop. Some of them come into our lives to teach us important lessons, maybe we accidentally took a left turn when we were meant to turn right. All we needed was a gentle nudge to get us back on the right track. Others, to restore our faith in mankind.
You’re very lucky if you find someone that never tires of loving and understanding your nonsensical attitude. But not everyone is going to love you the way you want them to. Either you accept the love you get, the way it’s given, or you walk away. No one can tell you what’s right for you. Yes, your friends and family will have their opinions, after all they’re only looking out for you. But you are the only one that gets to make that decision.
When our relationships fail, we’re often left wondering what happened? How did something that started off so beautifully end so crushingly? Where did it go wrong and why didn’t I see it sooner? The truth is you did see it, but you chose to ignore it.
The hopeless romantic in me believes every story should have a promising beginning. One that fills you with hope. A light that you may only be able to see flickering in the distance but if you look hard enough, you know you can see it. The more you get to know this person, the brighter it shines. You’re excited at the possibility of finding that ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep kind of love’. The first chapter always leaves you with a glow. The rose-tinted glasses are adding a magical glaze over the things you don’t like. We forget those are the things that come back and bite us in the end.
Nothing felt more promising than the start of our story. The attraction, communication and connection were free flowing, just like the flowers and songs you’d send me on WhatsApp every day. I’m not saying either of us were perfect or ready to hang up our dating hats, but we were perfectly imperfect together. You were certainly my front runner, by a long shot.
However, like any good story, we must keep reading or we’ll never know what happens at the end of the book. We must be halfway through by now and it heartens me to say we still have a wonderfully compelling story. You’re still my front runner. We have everything it takes to build a beautiful and fulfilling relationship, one that could inspire others #couplegoals. Shock, horror, gasp, I still find you attractive, I don’t have the desire to run in the other direction and you’re ticking all my boxes. Heck, you’re even ticking boxes I didn’t know I had.
But something is niggling at me. We still talk every day, maybe just not as often, the flowers you used to send me no longer arrive, and the messages slow down. I want to fight against all my instincts and break my pattern of self-sabotage. I’m trying so hard, I don’t want the walls to go up, but every bone in my body is telling me that something has changed. Yes, I know every relationship must settle into a pattern eventually, but I just don’t think you feel the same way anymore. You try to reassure me with your words ‘I adore you and I want to be with you. Nothing has changed, you’re reading too much into it. It’s just been a crazy few weeks.’ But I feel anything but reassurance. Why? Because your actions are screaming so much louder than your words, and the two are not talking the same language.
It feels like we’re coming to the end of our story. What should have been a beautiful ending is only making me feel empty. I want to tell you there is nothing lonelier than being with someone, but still feeling alone. But my words are nothing but meaningless words to you now. You’ve already checked out.
I know the time has come for us to part ways. You don’t have the courage to whisper those words to me, so here, let me say them, out loud. ‘I don’t want to do this anymore, it’s not making me happy, and I know you are not happy either’. This time you don’t deny it, because we both know our hearts felt it way before our ears heard the words ‘it’s over’. We were just waiting to see who would say the words first.
How do I feel?
Like someone has robbed me of the small bit of hope I still had. But what’s even scarier is, I’m not sure you can save a heart ruined by hope.
