It’s dark out there and at times there is no light.
In the words of an inspirational author
“Teach your inner demons to roam your mind without damaging your thoughts”
Ana Claudia Antunes.
It’s ok to feel sad. There I said it.
This does not make you weak, a manic depressive or someone who is unable to deal with life. No. It just makes you human. The sooner we accept this the better it will be for all of us.
Largely speaking my life has been successful. I’m a forty something woman, who has achieved many great things in life, but do I have it all? No, I certainly don’t. Do I even think this is possible? Well, I’m almost five decades into life and I’m still unsure.
As women we are our own worst enemy, harder on ourselves than anyone else could be. We’re the queen of self-doubt and ticking off things on our ever-increasing checklists. Some things we’re happy to admit to wanting, others we feel that we must pretend aren’t so important. Here are mine.
Success: Despite getting on the property ladder in my early twenties, carving out a career at one of London’s top marketing agencies, I started every month in the red, but I was still happy. Because I was living what I believed was my best life. A town that was full of life and a job that many would kill for.
Lucky for me, I turned out to be pretty good at what I did and rose through the ranks quickly. Soon I was out-earning most of my peers. My career had turned into an overnight success. But at what price?
Love: When my career took over, my love life took a back seat. I told myself once I’d carved out my career this would just fall into place, but at that time in my life I just didn’t have the time, there wasn’t even enough time for me, let alone for anyone else and I told myself it didn’t matter. But deep down I knew that wasn’t true.
Family: It wasn’t until a conversation with a work colleague who spent the best years of her life focusing on her career admitted to two failed IVF attempts that I realised a career wasn’t everything, but by then I was in my mid thirties, without a relationship / love prospect and I’d been out of the game for so long that I had no idea how I’d get back on the proverbial horse.
Friendship: So instead, I focussed on building friendships. The type of friendships that would last the test of time. A group of amazing ride or dies that you could wile away the nights talking, laughing so hard your stomach hurt and even cry when you needed too. All the while secretly hoping that love would find me somewhere along the way.
Fast forward 10-15 years & love never did find me. I resigned myself to the fact that it never would, nor would I ever have children and accepted that I’d just wasted too much of my life focussing on what I believed was important.
Acceptance doesn’t always make it easy though. Because even when life is good, the darkness can take over. It’s not always easy to understand what triggers it, but if I’m honest with myself it’s always there, I’ve just learned to mask it well.
However, what I have learnt over the years is how to deal with it. I’ve allowed the darkness to envelope me when it wants to, and yes, there may even be tears, but I always give myself a cut off because if I don’t, I’m scared the darkness will take over permanently and I will never allow that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this. It doesn’t matter how good your life is, it’s still ok to feel sad from time to time, it’s ok to cry and to have those feelings of inadequacy. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman. What you must remember however is it’s a slippery slope, don’t let those feelings loiter too long. The more you allow them to take over, the harder it is to see all the good in your life. And we all know there is plenty to be thankful for.
I think you’re spot on with this. Feel it. Voice it. Share it. Accept it. Deal with it. Then file it away.