It starts, as these things often do, with an avalanche of adoration. The flowers, the texts, the grand declarations of how you’re unlike anyone they’ve ever met. In the space of a fortnight, he’s planned your entire future, gushed about your brilliance, and made you feel like Cleopatra, Michelle Obama and Sophia Loren all rolled into one. Welcome to the world of love bombing, where the currency is excessive affection, and the bill is always due.
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I’m not someone who’s unfamiliar with the dating pool, I’ve been for a swim in these murky waters many, many times. But as time goes on there’s one thing I’ve noticed; more often than not, there are so many people swimming without the right gear. I mean if you were going cold water swimming, you wouldn’t go in your bikini and no cap, would you? In the same vein just because you’re single it doesn’t mean you’re ready to date.
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Isn’t it funny how we often think that breakups are just about heartbreak, like all you have to do is cry your eyes out, binge-watch romcoms and drink yourself to stupor until you feel vaguely human again. But the truth is, breakups are rarely that neat. They’re emotional earthquakes that shake our lives to their very core. When a relationship ends, you lose a lot more than the person you were with. You shed tears, yes, but you also shed pieces of yourself.
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“You can’t start the next chapter of your life, if you keep re-reading the last one. It’s time to turn the page.” Unknown. Hope, That little four-letter word with grand aspirations. The thing that keeps us going when all seems lost. The invisible force that tugs us forward when everything else seems to fall apart. It’s that quiet whisper that says, “maybe, just maybe, it’ll all work out”. But here’s the thing, hope isn’t always the sweet promise it appears to be.
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There was a time when love was a handwritten letter sealed with a kiss, when the scent of perfume lingered on a piece of parchment, and the anticipation of your lover’s next move was as intoxicating as the scent of jasmine on a summer’s night. Today, we swipe, we scroll, and we double-tap our way through potential partners, hoping that behind each pixelated profile lies a heart as true as the words penned by Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet.
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You know the drill. Boy meets girl, the sparks fly, the fun, banter and chemistry is free flowing, the air is filled with excitement, and the possibilities seem endless He plans dates, he never tires of telling you how lucky he is to have met you and how amazing you are. He struggles to keep his hands off you and always notices the small things like when you change your nail colour or cut your hair, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it stops.
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In this bustling city, where the air is filled with the hum of taxis, the chatter of the crowds, and the ever-present promise of romance lingering in the air like an evocative perfume, we’ve become accustomed to the monotony of swiping left and right. A warm welcome to the modern dating scene, where swiping, multi dating, instant gratification, unrealistic expectations and over inflated egos has become as common as sipping on a g&t.
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“You cannot beat a river into submission. You have to surrender to its current and use its power as your own” The Ancient One, Dr Strange. Now I don’t know about you, but I love to dance, The Argentinian Tango, Paso Doble, Even a good old-fashioned foxtrot. But there’s one tune I cannot dance to and that’s Submission. I vehemently detest the word and no matter what anyone says, I will never change my mind..
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Aaaah love, that one thing we’re all searching for, even when we tell ourselves we’re not. That inexplicable thing that makes us crazy things and keeps us coming back for more. It all starts with lust, the first thing we see is their physical beauty, their smile, their eyes, maybe their physique. It’s not until our hearts and minds kick in, do we see the person for who they really are. But what good are eyes if our hearts and minds can’t see clearly?
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“My mother once told me – When you hold a man’s hand and he makes your heart beat faster, making you feel all giddy and excited, walk away. He’s not the man for you. If you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe, and secure – hold onto him. This is the man you should marry.” I hear these voices in my head, telling me time and time again to walk away. Yet here I am looking at myself standing still, unable to move.
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Breaking up is never easy. The end of a romantic relationship can leave us feeling hurt, betrayed, and lost, especially if one of you wasn’t ready for it to end. If you are currently going through this, I know it will be hard to believe but you can turn that pain into something beautiful. If you are thinking about staying friends with an ex (I don’t advise it with every single one) here’s a few things to think about…
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“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.” Paulo Coehlo While channel flicking, I recently came across a programme, exploring the beauty of Polygamy. The Monogamist in me watched on, mortified at these couples’ swapping partners without a care in the world. I should have
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“Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.” Unknown
As someone who has spent many nights alone, I know the feeling of loneliness all too well. But with time I’ve also come to understand that being alone doesn’t automatically equate to being lonely. In fact, there are times when I love nothing more than spending time with myself.
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“I think you knew the first time you touched me, where this would end. I think you have always understood that the destiny of glass is to break.” Blake Auden
Growing up, I was surrounded by fairy tales and romcoms painting the perfect love story – boy meets girl, they fall in love, and live happily ever after. I still love of romcoms, but I’ve accepted reality seldom lives up to the fairy tale.
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Flirt: When you fall for someone’s words.
Lust: When you fall for someone’s beauty
Love: When you fall for someone’s soul.
Over the last decade, the dating landscape has changed. How we meet people, how we navigate the first date, how we move from casual dating to a committed relationship. With it we have a long set of rules women are using. separating the players from serious contenders.
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“Everybody knows the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit. Hunting for ways to be engaging. Dissecting each detail when it’s over to check for mistakes. Dating can make even the most confident person lose their cool.” Kelly Starling
If they handed out awards for going on the most first dates, I reckon I’d be in with a fighting chance of winning.
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“By trying to please everybody, nice guys often end up pleasing nobody – including themselves.” Robert A Glover
When I was younger, I was always attracted to a bad boy, there was just something about him that I couldn’t resist. That fantastic swagger, the way he dressed, the cockiness it was all too much, I just couldn’t say no. I’d like to say that I’ve changed, but that’s not 100% true.
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In the words of the very wise Maya Angelou “When someone shows you are they are, believe them the first time’.
Men are straightforward creatures. If they want something badly enough, they’ll be sure to let you know. Women on the other hand hold on for dear life to the smallest glimmer of hope, which is inherently why we get played. We let things slide …
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In this day and age of swiping, have we lost the potential to have our own beautiful, epic love story? What will we tell our children?
Well mummy was bored one day, and she thought she’d scroll through Hinge. Your dad caught her eye and she messaged ‘hi, nice smile’, they got talking, met for drinks, but daddy was also seeing 8 other women until he decided mummy was the one for him.
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“You are not a man until you give your love, truly & freely to a child. And you are not a good man until you earn the love, truly & freely, of a child in return.” Gregory David Roberts
It’s hard to understand love if you’ve never experienced it, and I’m not just talking about the love between two adults in a committed relationship, No, I’m talking about the kind of love that teaches you what real love is.
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