That’s right. Zero F**ks given.
” If you ever want to know the truth about something, just ask a woman over 40. When a woman turns 40, her very last f*ck flies right out of the window.”
Jamie Jacques
Yes it’s true – The older I get, the less I care what people think of me. Therefore, the older I get, the more I enjoy my life. It’s really quite liberating not giving an actual f**k what others think.
In life, you will encounter many people, some fleeting, others that stay the duration and those that leave a mark. The latter will change you beyond recognition, because they will teach you some very important life lessons. They will help you navigate the many masks that you will wear during your lifetime – the biggest one being that of ‘The People Pleaser’.
The People Pleaser.
Being a people pleaser comes naturally to most and the younger we are, the more likely we are to be a pleaser. Contrary to popular belief, people pleasing isn’t just about putting the needs, wants and opinions of others in front of your own, it’s also about seeking approval and validation. It addresses our desperate need to impress others so they like us, providing us with a sense of belonging. During this stage of our life our sense of self and validation comes from the circle of friends and people we associate ourselves with – I know, it sounds really sad when I put it like this.
Thankfully most of us grow out of this stage of life, but sadly there are some that will never grow out of it. Yes, I’m talking to you:
– The women (and men) that accept dates which they really don’t want to go on, because they don’t want to upset the other person.
– The wives that will do the long drive home because their husbands decided they wanted to have a few drinks, despite the fact they’re exhausted.
– The women that won’t speak out in meetings for fear of sounding argumentative.
– Those that will go along with whatever their friends want to do because they don’t want to upset the status quo.
Saying no is not an option for them, they simply can’t do it.
But I don’t blame them, I blame the society & culture we were raised in, where women have been socially conditioned to accept this role. Where we were taught that a woman’s job is to make others comfortable. Unknowingly we were taught to undervalue our own experiences, thoughts, and opinions, not be difficult. A society where to this day strong women are generally called aggressive or bitchy should they dare to stand up for themselves and disagree with the men in the room, So instead we are taught to edit ourselves, to keep quiet, to stay seated and to be agreeable.
Thankfully I wasn’t raised this way. I was raised by a fearless woman who taught me how to create balance in life, stand strong & never lower herself to someone else’s level. As a result, I became the woman who cares more about what she thinks of herself than what others think of her. But I wasn’t always that way, and despite my upbringing it’s taken reaching a certain age and life experience to really embrace the ‘zero f**cks given’ way of life.
I’m unapologetically authentic.
Please don’t get it twisted, this does not make me rude or abrasive, although many will think that. I understand the art of diplomacy but if I don’t agree with what you are saying or asking of me, I will feel no way about telling you so. This means that I’m now at that stage in my life where I choose to be true to myself, the person that will always be with me, no matter what, because the harsh truth is I am the only person I can truly rely on, 100% of the time.
So now when I go on a date, instead of sitting through 3 excruciating hours with a man that I don’t find the least bit attractive, I will be clear about my intentions (or lack of in this case) and politely excuse myself from the situation. I won’t be rude, well not unless it’s warranted. I will simply explain my lack of attraction / interest and walk away. Just so we are clear, no I will not feel bad about it, nor will I ghost you like a coward.
I’ve also learnt to pick my battles and use silence as my tool. If you are too foolish to realise that you can’t take back what comes out of your mouth, or how you’ve made the other person feel then that’s for you to deal with. Somewhere down the line, maybe after a few days of self reflection, or years, you will regret what you said. But it will be too late because I’ll never forget those words and how you didn’t give a flying f**k about how you made me feel. Will I forgive you? of course I will, i forgave you a long time ago. But not because you seek or need my forgiveness, no, I will forgive you for my own peace of mind.
I also feel no way in going for dinner or away, by myself, to any place I choose, without caring what judgement is being passed – ‘oh look at that poor woman sitting alone, I wonder why she’s eating alone, maybe she lost her husband, or she’s been stood up?’ No I didn’t lose him, I am single, through choice and I’m ok with it and should I choose to dine or travel alone, that is my right. Please don’t feel sorry for me and go back to enjoying your own evening.
In all honesty i just don’t care anymore. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I’m unapologetically myself, and the people who like me are clearly meant to be in my life and the people who don’t, know where the door is. I don’t have the time nor the inclination for falseness.
There will be many that think I’m too much, I’m ok with that too, for many I will be, but this is who I am. It’s unlikely i will change but If I was fortunate enough to meet someone that made me a better version of myself, I will gladly embrace it, but for now I am happy being perfectly imperfect. For all those women who have ever been told they’re too much, I will leave you with one of my favourite poems. Embrace your awesomeness and never let anyone make you feel less than you are. Learn not to give a f**k.
“There she is… the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.
There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.
There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything – too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous. She is dangerous.
And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.
Oh, that “too much” woman… too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy – too much.
She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches. Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.
Here I am… a Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.
A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot – justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because I know how to heal myself.
And still… I rise.”
Ev’Yan Whitney
Absolutely brilliant. This literally made me laugh out loud. Cheers to the zero fucks way of life ❤️. Need to go do some stuff but i’ll be back to catch up on the rest real soon. Keep on writing girl, you’re good x