Lust or Love. Navigating the 5 date rule
“Flirt: When you fall for someone’s words.
Unknown
Lust: When you fall for someone’s beauty.
Love: When you fall for someone’s soul.”
Over the last few decades, the dating landscape has changed beyond belief. How we meet people; how we navigate the first few dates; how we move from casual, multi-dating to a one-to-one committed relationship. And with it we saw a new set of rules, predominantly enforced by women, to wheedle out the players from the serious contenders.
The famous ‘three date’ rule was soon replaced by the ‘five date’ rule. In both scenarios the female very obviously withheld the goods until her suitor reached the required number of dates. It was like her bargaining tool, she knew she could never change the player, so with a little help from a great man, she learnt to change the game. I almost feel sorry for the men on the receiving end of these rules, but I totally get why women do it. Me on the other hand, my rule is simple, do what you want, when you want. I don’t play by someone else’s prescribed rules, Steve Harvey as much as I adore you, and I really do value your words and perspective, if it feels right, then who are you to tell me I need to wait ninety days?
Now I must admit I thought that it was only women who lived by these rules. In my three decades of dating I’ve never heard a man say, ‘oh by the way, I have a five-date rule’. Well not until recently. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when I heard this on a first date from the man sitting opposite me. How did I feel? hmmmm, well my instant reaction was that of intrigue. But never one to shy away from a challenge I thought ‘ok, challenge accepted’. 🙈
With a little time on my hands, I decided to pour myself a nice glass of wine and contemplate my dating choices. As I’m sat here I can’t help but wonder what makes a man initiate this rule? Is it a tactic to weed out those just looking for a fling? Is it a way to ensure that you have intellectual and emotional attraction before you get side tracked with physical attraction? Or is it simply a way to prolong the chase and keep things interesting?
- RECOGNISING DATING BURNOUT
Anyone that dates in this day and age knows dating is both exhilarating and exhausting, not always in equal measures. The constant swiping, texting, and going on dates eventually takes its toll, creating both despondency and dating burnout. It’s truly exhausting going from one failed relationship to another, and I use the term relationship very loosely. There are so many versions of relationships to consider – friends with benefits, textationships and the one I hate the most, situationships. If you are not careful you can find yourself emotionally drained and lose interest in meeting anyone new. Then the niggling questions start. What am I doing wrong? And why aren’t any of my relationships working out? This is where the five-date rule comes into its own. It allows you to step back, understand your own needs and see the person in front of you for who they truly are. Either a woman who can give you what you’re truly looking for or yet another woman who is going to drain you of your energy and more than likely your finances. - NAVIGATING BETWEEN LOVE AND LUST
In the early stages of dating, it’s easy to get absorbed by physical attraction and let lust take the lead. Navigating the grey area between lust and love can be challenging. However, by waiting until the fifth date to become intimate, it allows a man to focus on more important things like meaningful conversations and shared experiences. Here he can learn whether the two of you have shared values and aspirations. At this point the stakes are high, he’ll either realise he has nothing in common with the woman sitting opposite him or he feels comfortable enough to be vulnerable around her. If he feels the latter, he can be confident that it’s worthwhile seeing where things can go. There’s a safety in her presence which he isn’t necessarily familiar with. - SEX CAN DERAIL US
There’s no denying, as soon as you become physical with someone, you lose sight of everything else. The rose-tinted glasses sure do make those bright red flags look like ordinary flags, the type you conveniently ignore. If, however he can control his carnal desires the five-date rule can help create a strong foundation before diving into a sexual relationship. By waiting it allows you both to get to know each other on a deeper level, building a real connection beyond the physical. The self-aware man realises it’s easy to fall in lust. Waiting allows introspection and self-reflection, helping him figure out if he’s genuinely interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with you or if he’s simply driven by lust and wants nothing more than to rip your clothes off and get his leg over. - LOVE IS NOT A TRANSACTION
As I’ve become older, if I see something I like, I try to step away and come back to it, this allows me the time to truly decide whether it’s something I really want. The five-date rule can feel a little like this. You’re counting down the dates before you transact with all your currency, hoping by that time, you want to procure the goods. The problem however is you’re not buying something with a 30 day returns policy. There’s an actual person involved and they have feelings. Chemistry and connection can’t be neatly measured by the number of dates you go on. Some people experience a strong connection from the first moment they message, others are slow burners. Love and relationships don’t follow strict timelines, and it’s ultimately up to two people to determine what feels right for their journey. - EFFECTIVE VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
We all know communication plays a key role in any relationship. As you’re navigating the delicate balance between lust and love, open, honest, and effective communication is even more important in the five-date rule relationship. Effective communication requires him to express his desires, boundaries, and expectations openly and honestly. If a man chooses to embark on a five-date rule relationship he needs to remember while he’s busy building an emotional and intellectual connection with her, not to forget the importance of building a physical connection too. He needs to ensure he’s present and fully engaged in the conversation, without distractions, while using non-verbal cues to demonstrate his physical attraction to her. She no doubt loves how turned on you are by the conversation and her charming wit, but she’s still a woman and wants you to find her insanely attractive too. Touch her hand; lean in unexpectedly for a kiss; tell her she looks beautiful; notice the little things, she’s really not asking for much.
It takes a strong man to put the 5-date rule in place. I love the thought of getting to know someone before you let your carnal desires take over, but I also recognise it doesn’t come without its challenges. Not sleeping with someone before date five is one thing, showing them that you are actually attracted to them another. If you’re a man that wants to put the five-date rule in place, remember to still make the woman you are getting to know feel wanted. Or you may just find that waiting for those five dates before you express your physical attraction to her costs you an amazing future partner. Why? Because you’ve made her feel like the only value she holds in your life is that of a friend.
For any relationship to be successful you need all 3 sides of the intimacy triangle – intellectual, emotional and physical. While you’re busy figuring out the first two on the first four dates, you may have lost her, because you forgot the all important third one. And without physical attraction / intimacy you have nothing but a friendship. Maybe, just maybe her friend’s quota is full, which means you are left with nothing. Time well spent? Possibly not. 🤷🏻♀️
Are you being serious? There was actually a guy that you dated that had this rule? Unbelievable. When did men start acting like women?