Deal or no deal? Navigating love in the city of hearts.
“Establish your deal breakers and don’t ever allow people pleasing to let you compromise your core values.”
Maryam Hasnaa
The other day I was listening to a really interesting podcast about how we approach romance and the somewhat taboo topic of red flags. As usual my mind went into overdrive. I mean I know what I’m looking for, my list is longgggggg. Basically, a silver fox over 5ft11 and above who knows how to dress and takes pride in himself. A strong, sapiosexual man who is emotionally intelligent, a good communicator, open and honest, loyal and someone who has got sh*t sorted. A man that is financially stable and isn’t looking for a woman to financially support him. A man that knows how to treat his woman and when he looks at you, he’s thinking ‘god I’m a lucky b*stard to have this woman in my life.’
I don’t think I’m asking too much, or maybe I am, as in my 30 years of dating I’ve never found it. But I think I offer a pretty good package in return. He’d get a woman that not only looks after herself but is a whizz in the kitchen, he’ll never go hungry, that’s for sure. Emotional intelligence in overdrive whilst being open and honest. A woman who isn’t looking for a man whose bank balance can support her life, she has her own money and values the independence it brings. More importantly she’ll be by his side every step of the way, helping him achieve his dreams and goals, helping him become the best version of himself. I’d say that’s a damn good deal.
It all sounds so simple when I see it written out in front of me, but in this wild urban jungle where love is both the feast and the famine, I’m sat here asking myself, have I been pursuing this whole romance thing all wrong? Just for one second let’s turn everything on its head. Let’s rip up the checklist and not think about what we’re looking for, instead let’s think about the deal breakers. I wonder how many amazing men I’ve rejected because they don’t check everything off my list? When what I should have been doing is focusing on the importance of my relationship deal breakers instead.
Let’s for a split second imagine doing things differently. Picture this – You’re standing at the crossroads of love; the glittering city lights are throwing out rays of desire all around you. Now, I’m not saying those desires aren’t crucial, of course, we all want someone who can make us laugh, challenges our mind, and looks hot in a well-tailored suit. It’s so easy to get carried away when these things are blinding us, but when we overlook the importance of deal breakers, what we’re actually ignoring are the reasons that a promising love story (or so we believe) can turn into a horror show.
Everyone’s deal breakers are different, but I think there are some universal ones we should never ignore, even when we’re wearing the rose-tinted glasses.
MISMATCHED VALUES
In the enchanting dance of love, shared values are like the rhythm that keeps us moving in sync. It’s easy to get lost in the melody of attraction, but if you like new jack swing and he likes heavy rock you might just find yourself awkwardly swaying from left to right to a tune you despise. Deal breaker alert: mismatched core values can silence the sweetest of serenades.
COMMUNICATION QUANDARIES
By now you must all know how important open communication is to me, it’s the pivotal to any relationship. But while you’re dreaming of passionate late-night conversations, beware of the partner that turns every conversation into a cryptic crossword puzzle. If you find yourself trying to decipher clues more than exchanging sweet nothings, it might be time to spell things out clearly and accept you’re in a communication deal breaker.
EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE
Ah, the baggage carousel of past heartbreaks and unresolved issues, a familiar sight at the Love Airport. While none of us are light travellers and carry a suitcase or two, give the partner carrying an oversized suitcase a wide berth. All it will be filled with, is emotional drama, past hurt and unresolved issues. It’s not your job to fix them. This should 100% be a universal deal breaker. Whereas every relationship requires compromise and understanding it’s not your job to navigate the runway of love with someone whose baggage threatens to topple the entire relationship terminal. Hurry and get the next flight back home my friend.
RED FLAGS
Red flags are like the traffic signals we often ignore. From controlling behaviour to inconsistent commitment levels, these signals should never be overlooked. Let’s not trade our desire for a romantic country drive for a collision course. Never confuse attention with intention. Someone can give you all attention you need, but that does not mean their intention is in the right place. Recognizing and noticing that the red flags are a deal breaker might just save you from the almighty car crash it could become.
So where does that leave us? Well, this year I’m going to try and turn dating on its head, as Einstein once famously said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. Instead of focusing on my checklist, I’ve made a list of my deal breakers, if I find someone attractive, I will only discount them if one of my deal breakers comes up. So, all you handsome devils out there, I shall take my height restriction off my checklist and my desire for a sapiosexual, suited and booted man. But, if our core values don’t align, you take zero pride in yourself, are financially unstable and are a lying, cheating scumbag or are emotionally unavailable I’m out of here. These are my deal breakers and what I absolutely will not compromise on, no matter how good looking or charming you are.
My advice to you? I’m not asking you to let go of your desires or settle for less, just realise you don’t need everything on that checklist. Understand and accept that deal breakers are actually the foundation upon which romantic castles are built. Put yourself first and set some deal-breaking boundaries, and no matter how much the lights are blinding you, don’t compromise on the deal breakers. Cheers to finding love and laughter in the arms of the ones.
