In the dance of love will you surrender or submit?
“You cannot beat a river into submission. You have to surrender to its current and use its power as your own”
The Ancient One, Dr Strange Movie
Now I don’t know about you, but I love to dance, The Argentinian Tango, The Paso Doble, I’ll even admit to loving a good old-fashioned foxtrot. But there’s one tune I cannot dance to and that’s Submission. I vehemently detest the word and no matter how much someone tries to tell me it’s not a bad word, I will always believe it is.
There’s been a long-standing debate between my friend and I about the word submissive. He teases me about it constantly, knowing full well that it makes me break out in a sweat and possibly puke in my mouth a little. He’s of the belief that when a woman finds a man who is strong in his masculine energy she will automatically submit. I on the other hand being a hater of the word disagree. I have met many a strong man, that emits a strong masculine energy, but I have never submitted to him nor will I ever.
Of course, now that I’ve mentioned that horrific word, everywhere I turn, someone on social media has an opinion on it. Never one to shy away from someone else’s opinion, while scrolling, one concept of submission did catch my eye, where the creator very cleverly used the word surrender not submission. As you can imagine this sent my thoughts spiralling out of control, why does it feel okay to surrender to a man, but not to submit to him? Is there really a difference, or is it just semantics?
Growing up, although I grew up in a somewhat traditional Sikh way, my family also flirted with modernism. My great-grandfather was without a shadow of doubt the hierarchical powerhouse in our household and no one would ever go against his wishes, his word was the final word. Yet somehow, he’d also embraced the British way of living. My parents were no different, while other Asian girls ran around in two pig tails, my mum said f**k it & I ran around with a fancy bob. I loved the freedom they afforded me.
But it was my dad that really pathed a new path for us. We were allowed to do everything the boys in our family were. We were encouraged to have a voice and to grow up as strong women. Even now he’ll consult us if he’s unsure of something and we’re still independent women who have made their own way and carved their own paths. That doesn’t however mean we don’t need a man in our lives, I’ll always need my dad😀. It’s just that we were never expected to toe the line or submit to our male counterparts in the way most traditional Indian parents forced the girls to do.
So, submission for me has always carried a weighty connotation. It suggests a relinquishment of power. Like I’m somehow yielding to traditional and cultural gender roles. To submit to someone is like accepting a subordinate position. It is saying that I will place someone else’s desires and needs above my own. In a world where we’ve fought so hard for equality, the idea of submission feels like a step backward. where a woman’s place was in the home, and her voice was a mere whisper against the roar of the dominant male. Maybe this is why I have an aversion to dating most Asian men, there’s still an expectation that you will be submissive. 🤮
To submit is to disappear, to fade into the background. It’s the antithesis of the modern woman’s mantra of independence and self-reliance. It’s the idea that you must bend to someone else’s will, sacrificing your own desires and ambitions in the process. Submission feels like a loss. I value my independence, I can pay my own way and I’ll always have an opinion, my choice is to never be the kind of woman that relies on a man to provide for her or have to ask him for a handout. If I want to buy those shoes, I’ll buy them.
Surrender on the other hand feels like a choice; a voluntary act; an intentional decision made in the spirit of trust and mutual respect, where you allow someone else to take the reins, even if just for a moment. At the end of a long day, when my mind is set to burst from the chaos of deadlines and everyone wanting some of my time. In walks my partner, the one person who can silence the noise, if only for a while. In that moment, I choose to surrender. I let down my defences, put away my endless to-do list and allow myself to be cared for, nurtured, and perhaps even pampered.
See now that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Surrender is sexy. It’s confident. It’s the ultimate act of trust. It says, “I know my worth, and I know you recognise it too.” Surrendering is not about giving up control forever; it’s about sharing the weight, knowing that you can always take it back. It’s a dance of give and take, where both partners lead and follow in turn, creating a balance that feels natural and empowering, it’s about the transference of power, which in any great relationship continuously shifts.
But for a woman to truly surrender to a man there are five key things I believe must be present:
TRUST:
The foundation of any healthy relationship, but it is especially crucial in a dynamic involving any form of submission. A woman must have unwavering trust in her partner’s intentions, believing that he will respect her, value her, and make decisions that are in their best interest. Trust isn’t built overnight, it takes time, it takes consistency and open communication. So, take your time and pay close attention to his words, talk is cheap, actions show you his true intentions.
RESPECT:
You cannot surrender if there is no mutual respect. A woman needs to feel respected and valued by her partner, not just for her role in the relationship, but for who she is as an individual. So, if he’s acknowledging your strengths, appreciating your contributions, and valuing your opinions, you’ve got a keeper. If on the other hand he’s just thinks you’re a pretty face, a trophy he can show off to his friends, get rid of him. Ladies never submit nor surrender to a man like that.
COMMUNICATION:
A relationship can’t flourish without open and honest communication. Both partners must be able to express their needs, desires, and boundaries clearly. This ongoing dialogue helps to ensure that the dynamics of submission and surrender are understood and agreed upon by the both of you. It’s a way to navigate potential conflicts and maintain a healthy balance. Set your boundaries and don’t let anyone disrespect you or them.
EMOTIONAL SECURITY:
If a woman doesn’t feel emotionally secure in her relationship, she will never surrender. True security comes from knowing that her partner is committed, supportive, and dependable. Emotional security allows her to be vulnerable, to let go of control, and to trust her partner fully. So gents if you’re showing up, planning things and just showing her she can count on you, this is when you’ll truly get to see the real her in all her beautiful feminine energy.
IT HAS TO BE CONSENSUAL:
In order for Submission to feel like you’re surrendering it must always be a consensual choice. It should never feel coerced or be expected. A woman must feel that she has the autonomy to choose this dynamic, and that she can change her mind at any time. Consent is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
I’ll leave you with this thought, navigating this delicate dance called modern love may not be easy but it doesn’t have to be difficult either. Striking the balance between surrender and submission is easy when you understand the dynamics of power and choice.
Surrendering to a partner is about partnership; it’s about recognising each other’s strengths and weaknesses and allowing those to complement rather than compete. It’s about creating a space where both of you can thrive, and where support and encouragement are mutual.
Submission, in contrast, often lacks this balance. It can lead to resentment and a loss of identity. It’s the slippery slope that can erode self-esteem and create a dynamic where one partner feels continuously less worthy than you.
The distinction is subtle but crucial. Surrender is an act of strength, whereas submission can feel like an act of weakness. I choose to surrender. ♥️
