I’m a strong woman because I was raised by one.
“You hate when people see you cry because you want to be that strong girl. But then you hate how nobody sees how broken and torn you are.”
Farah Asif Khan
I was lucky, I was raised by one of the strongest women I will ever be blessed to know – my grandmother. Widowed young, mother of four, grandmother to ten (well fourteen, but that’s another story), who she raised with grace, ease, and pride.
Every morning she was the first to rise, silently working through her to do list. She always made sure her grandchildren were fed, dressed, and cuddled before she went to work. Only to come home and hit repeat before we all went to bed.
Bedtime was always my favourite time; I defy anyone to tell me they’ve ever felt the kind of warmth you get from sleeping next to your grandmother. The unconditional love, knowing you are protected, never having to ask for anything – she would just know what you needed. Sadly, she’s not with us anymore but I like to believe she’s watching over me and her other grandchildren. Proud of what we’ve achieved and not so silently telling us off when we do something she would clearly disapprove of.
Growing up when asked the popular question ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ While others said Doctors, Lawyers, Astronauts, all I thought was I want to be just like my grandmother – a formidable woman that navigated life with ease. A fighter til the bitter end. Fiercely protective of those she loved and a great role model that would inspire others.
What I didn’t realise at the time was being that woman doesn’t come easily and what everyone sees as easy and effortless is nothing more than that woman making it look easy. Being that woman is not without its struggles. I mean it’s hard enough being a woman, but it’s even harder when you’re a woman that looks like she has everything handled and doesn’t need anyone.
If you’re lucky enough to have a woman like this in your life, this is what you likely see. She’s strong, independent, and confident. She appears like she’s at the top of her game and has everything you could have ever dreamed of. So, you’d be forgiven for thinking ‘What could anyone ever give to a woman who seems like she has everything?’
If that’s what you see, I’ll ask ‘how hard are you really looking?’ There’s so much you don’t see or even realise about her. Yes, she is all those things but there is a lot she doesn’t have. She lets you take her strength for granted, almost as a given, not because she’s weak but because she’s grown accustomed to putting the needs of others first. After all this has become the norm.
I still remember the first time I read the words ‘even strong women need their hands held’ it made me smile and a sad in equal parts. Because the sad truth is there is so much truth in this seemingly simple statement. Our strength / independence can be the very thing people hold against us. They see a successful woman, she’s well dressed, courageous, stands her ground and forges through life with ease. She’s often misunderstood because people think the only person she needs in her life is herself.
But how can that be true? How can anyone only ever need themselves? Yes, she can do it all herself, but no matter how strong a woman is she wants someone in her life, by her side. Just because she can look after herself, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be looked after. She’s not asking for much, just that you afford her the same courtesy she affords you and every other person in her life. She not only anticipates your needs she does whatever she can to make your life easier. So why would she not want this in return?
Yes, she’s totally the boss of her own life, but the thing that may escape you, and the many that have come before you, she is still a woman. She still feels and cries. She sees being single as a choice, not because she’s not good enough or is lacking in something. She simply knows what she wants and her worth. But she doesn’t hold your inability to see it against you. She gets it, for some she’s simply too much and you either don’t want to or you simply can’t see it.
If you’re a man that is trying to love a strong woman, please know it’s not without challenge. She really isn’t an easy woman to love, she has many responsibilities, which, honestly speaking, she had before you came into her life. And she may, unintentionally, make you feel like a spare part, but she doesn’t mean to. She really won’t mind you pulling her up on it, she didn’t mean to neglect you, it’s just that she is pulled in so many directions that sometimes it happens.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. Being with a strong woman also comes with plus points. She’s fiercely loyal. She’ll silently (and at times not so silently) support you in every endeavour. She’ll be your biggest cheerleader and proud of the smallest achievements. She’ll always push you to better yourself (you may not always like this) but more importantly she’ll always catch you before you fall. If life deals you lemons, she will not only make you lemonade, but she’ll also turn those lemons into the most delicious lemon tart.
What she wants in return is quite simple – to know there’s someone in her corner. Someone that will be there for her if she needs it. It gives her the added confidence to go about life and kick ass. Because she knows that if by some miracle she falls or fails, there will be someone there to catch her, pick her up, brush her down and get her moving again. She doesn’t need you to see her title, her wealth, her achievements or what she continues to strive for. All she needs is for you to truly see her, without the labels.
The next time you’re sitting down with her, hear the things she isn’t saying. She doesn’t find it easy to ask for help, it’s not that she doesn’t need it, but she’s become accustomed to flying solo and the sad thing is she’s never had someone she could ask for it. You are right though she doesn’t need you in her life, but she does want you, and that’s worth so much more.
To all you strong women, just know, you don’t always have to look like you got this shit handled. Give yourself permission to ask for help. Let those that love you shoulder some of the responsibility and pain. Navigate the struggles that most of us call life with someone by your side.
[…] am I single? Because that’s a choice I made. I’m a woman that knows her worth. Some might call me a high value woman, others a diamond – to me the two are interchangeable, but never high maintenance. My worth is not defined by […]