I miss you, but I don’t know if I want you back.
“Dear old me,
Maybe you died? Everyone’s asking where you are. I feel bad because I took away their shining star. The innocent girl who used to pray hard and replaced her with a devil to play her part.
Tashatha Botswana.
I tried to channel you in hopes that I could steer you back. But then that just reminds me of all the qualities you had, that I lack. I’m not happy anymore, just really sad. I don’t wear any other colours except black because I’m just a widow at your funeral and you’re dead. And the fact that I killed you leaves me with a heavy chest.
Looking back I see that I didn’t treat you great, but through all of that, I still wish you stayed. And I hope you’re still alive, but just took a break, because without you, I’m just a jar of memories and hate.
I miss you because you were the best I ever had. So dear old me please come back.”
It’s hard to pinpoint when I lost the old me – the woman who fell in love with abandonment, the eternal optimist who believed everything would work out and the hopeless romantic I once was. Yes, I still see flashes of her, but not nearly often enough. Like many, life has hardened me, and I’ve become somewhat jaded and cynical.
But there are times I miss the old me, silly but innocent. Sometimes I just want to press reset, but life doesn’t come with a remote or buttons. Sometimes I want back the foolishly impulsive me, her heart was pure and free from hurt. Yes, I want that ‘gone me’ but now all I feel is sore.
Where did she go? The woman that was prepared to give everyone and everything a chance; The woman who saw life as one big adventure and wasn’t afraid to jump. She’s the same woman that lived in the moment, instead of overthinking every god damn thing.
I look back at the girl I once was through yesteryear and the woman I am today. The difference is day and night. Life seemed so much simpler back then, it was so much easier to just live. Sleep came easy, there was never a heaviness from overanalysing everything that happened in life, yes, even the things that hadn’t yet happened (which idiot does that? Oh that would be me 🙂 ).
Somewhere along the line she lost her way, the many failed relationships, and the web of lies and deceit changed her. With every failure or disappointment, she just added another brick to the ever-growing wall that started surrounding her heart. It was only when she stepped back and looked at the wall did she realise it was so high it would be virtually impossible to knock down and there wasn’t a window in sight.
But we can’t live in the past, life goes on and we continue to grow, and I’d like to think that I’ve grown into something pretty special. So please don’t get me wrong, I love the woman I am today. Version 2.0 has grown so much and continues to learn. The new me learnt to protect herself, so she didn’t have to rely on anyone but herself. She learnt to smile, even when she was crying inside but more importantly, she learnt to survive.
With age came confidence and the ability to know when to walk away. The old me would have stayed in a toxic relationship much longer than she should, not because she didn’t have any other options, but simply because she didn’t know better. The new me sees the red flags and no longer thinks she’s a bull charging towards the matador 🙂 .
I even got better at reading people; I still don’t always get it right but at least I don’t get it wrong as often. This is undoubtably one of the monumental improvements. Learning to trust my gut and zoning out the stream of voices coming from the outside. Everyone has an opinion on your life, all dictated by their life experiences, but none are as important as your inner voice. The one that will always guide you to do that right thing.
But the biggest change from old me to new me was not taking every single thing personally. I can’t make someone see something they are not ready to see. I can’t change something that is beyond my control. But what I can do and learnt to do was not let it affect me the same way. People will ultimately do what is right for them and I too must do what is right for me.
So new me, thank you. Thank you for learning to navigate life with ease and grace. Thank you for teaching me some very important life lessons. I emerged a better person from it, and I am certain I have surpassed what my old self had in mind for me. I just wished you’d left some of that innocence I once had from the old me. I didn’t even realise what a beautiful thing I had and how lucky I was for having such a pure, unhindered state of mind until I realised I’d lost it.
The only question now, is whether it’s too late to find some of that old me and bring the best parts of her back. x
This really hit me where it hurts. I too have become jaded in life and wish i could have some of the innocence back.