Be with the one you love or the one that loves you?
“Lovers not. He thinks of me when he’s with her. He talks to me instead of lying with her. He tells me things she’d hurt to hear, and pines for times that couldn’t be. I pity her, for she is not me and I pity me, for I am not her.”
Unknown
‘Be with a man who loves you more than you love them’. Arguably one of the most common pieces of advice anyone is given in their early adult life. At the time I thought this was the most ludicrous thing I’d ever heard; I mean who in their right mind would want to be with someone they didn’t love as much as the other loved them? Looking back however, I now understand exactly what it means.
We’ve all been there… In a relationship with someone who we know doesn’t tick all our boxes or get our pulse racing, but we stay, for much longer than we intended, feeling unfulfilled. Not because this person is lacking in anything, but because deep down we know they’re not the one we really want to be with. No, the simple truth is although our bodies are present our heart is someplace else.
I know it’s unfair to the one you’re with, but sometimes you just can’t reason with your heart. All I can say is I’m sorry as much as I tried to talk myself out of it, I still pined for something I couldn’t have. The last time I felt like this I was lying next to you, but I couldn’t t stop thinking about him. Him who I know is no good for me. Him who I know won’t make me happy. Him who would never put me first nor would he love or treat me the way you do. But here I am, still thinking about him.
Who is he? he asks me, the one I’m with. Why? Because I called him by your name. It wasn’t the first time and I know it won’t be the last. I didn’t mean to, but your name seems to always be on the tip of my tongue.
Now I find myself sitting here, asking myself ‘what the hell are you playing at?’ What is it about me that keeps doing this to herself? Why is the self-destruct button so visible to me? I’m with a man that is loving, kind, funny, affectionate. I know from the way he looks at me, that to him I am the most beautiful creature to ever grace his world – even when I’m sitting there in my pj’s, without an iota of makeup on and my hair scraped on top of my head.
Yet here I am, still wondering where you are and why things didn’t work out between us. And I really wish I didn’t feel like this, it’s absolute torture but I can’t stop myself. I’m not naïve enough to think that you are perfect, no one is perfect, but I always thought you could be my perfect, despite knowing better.
What I do definitively know is I broke his heart the day he saw I looked at you the way he looked at me. And even though I knew he wasn’t the one for me, I still feel guilty for hurting him. He didn’t ask to get involved in our mess. I should have dealt with my feelings for you before I got involved with him, maybe then I could have given him a fair chance.
When you’re with a man that treats you like a queen and shows you love in abundance, it’s hard not to fall for him, but when your heart is trapped elsewhere it’s virtually impossible to allow that to happen. I realise now that I was never open to the possibility of him because I was always holding out for the possibility of you and in turn us.
Love is never fair and at times it can hurt. But what do I think of the advice I was given all those years ago? No, I don’t think you should be with a man that loves you more than you love him. But you also shouldn’t be with a man that you love more than he loves you.
Relationships are complicated and the balance of power and love is never equal. It is constantly shifting. However, if you get involved with someone when you know your heart is with someone else it’s never going to end well and it’s really unfair on the other person.
Many of us go through life unaware of how our actions impact others and the scars we leave them with, but if like me you believe in karma, know that one day, it will come back and bite you when you least expect it. I hope that I’ve already paid my comeuppance and that day never comes, but if it does, I’ll accept whatever comes my way.
Gosh i love this. Loving someone who either doesn’t know you exist or doesn’t feel the same way is so hard, but don’t settle.